Does the naughty step work?

[zazen999]

I think mainly kids that grow up to have asbos [or the tory equivalent], do so because their mums/dads aren't there worrying about discipline and talking to them. That's the sadness of the whole asbo situation.

[BrideXIII]

sorry i missed this, having a child that can tantrum for england if he wanted to, i know how you feel.

no one thing worked, or they did, but not for long, we had to rotate ideas.
one thing lynda mentioned that DID work, was whispering, he did have to shut up to hear what i was saying, and once he had we would do deep breathes together, calmed me and him, then we could get to the bottom of the problem.
he still uses the breathing technique now, at 13 when he gets angry.

[piskieinboots]

I'm sorry I could only offer a 'silly' reply Tammy hun, but not having children I have no idea what I would do or how to handle them - but the others above have all given superb advice

[kirsty b]

I hated being a mum sometimes when lauren was 18mths-4 yrs. The terrible twos, 3's and 4's. What fun.
I don't go in for smacking as a rule, but there have been a handful of times, like Di said when a short, sharp shock was needed. After we both had time out (I do feel time out is as much for mum as it is for child) we would then have a sit and try to figure out original problem.
The worst was when she was having a complete screaming hissy fit over something aged about 3, Steve kept trying to reason with her, contradicting me etc so in the end I took her to her room, laid her on the floor (because she couldn't throw herself off it in temper) and kept the door shut for 5 whole minutes. That was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it worked. She calmed down, and 10 minutes later all was fine again.
I find it much easier now she's 8, because you can reason with them. But the threat of losing out on something she wants to to due to bad behaviour/rudeness etc is usually enough to get her toeing the line again.

however, any advice on dealing with a workshy, lazy, smelly, greedy 17 yo stepson would be gratefully received

[jackie j]

I have a lazy 21 year old who is smelly but he is my son and I love him ( he doesnt live with me anymore ) I do wonder where I went wrong but he is just like his dad he was lazy any excuse not to work but was self employed, no work = no money son just lost the umpteenth job doesnt bother to sign on so no money but does he care ? nope, he lives with his dad, stays in all the time doesnt see the light of day sometimes. Its not how I brought him up, he lived with me till he was 18, me and his dad split up when he was four so it must be my fault !!! good job I have three other sons who have turned out ok, tho one of them has lost his job but at least he is trying to get another one.

[shirlthegirl43]

Our two boys are chalk and cheese. I am obviously not a perfect mum as I have smacked both boys - only as a final result when the line had been well and truly crossed. Madmax and I are always told by people how polite and respectful our boys are so we must be doing something right somewhere.

I have always worked on the same rule with the boys as I use with animals, three chances. They have to know that if you say something will happen at the third warning - IT WILL HAPPEN. There is no point threatening to take away a privilege if you then do not do it, the child only learns that you don't carry out the threat. Our younger son had been giving me years of bother in the supermarket, and I kept threatening various punishments (to be carried out at home). One day (when he was about 10) I said if he misbehaved again I would pull his trousers down and smack his legs - he yet again ran round like a screaming banshee and I snapped, pulled down the trousers, smacked him on the legs (not very hard). Result? One surprised child who has never again misbehaved in a shop. I asked him why had it worked and he said 'well mum, you always said you would do it but I didn't really believe you - now I do so I won't misbehave again' - boy did I wish I had taken that step years earlier instead of trying to appear the perfect mum!!

Remember there is a very big divide between a smack for punishment (after plenty warnings) and a beating. If either of the boys bit me then they got bitten back - if they don't understand how much it hurts then they don't know why they are not to do it. The hardest thing with parenting is being consistent - no point in allowing them to put lego and sandwiches in the VCR (showing when ours were little there) one day and giving them a roasting for it the next day!

*ducking the volley of stones and abuse for being a bad parent

[lynda66]

shirl i agree totally ..... boundaries must be set and stuck to ....... sometimes as you found out talking doesn't work and a smack is a last resort

i remember mine being about 12 he was being a right little s**t an i slapped him .... he turned round and laughed and said that didn't hurt, so i punched him twice on the arm ...... he was so shocked that i would do that, that he never said it again, and i actually did it to make him cry ...... i knew the smack had hurt my hand stung for ages..... but it was one of those situations where it needed a result ....... like you say, no good going on and on threatening, then not doing it.

[piskieinboots]

...Madmax and I are always told by people how polite and respectful our boys are so we must be doing something right somewhere....

I've met the little blighters and I'd have 'em - erm, if I wanted children that is

[shirlthegirl43]

I've met the little blighters and I'd have 'em - erm, if I wanted children that is

Thanks for that piskie

[pigletwillie]

NO, my wife tells me to sit on one often but I still rebel.

[jackie j]

When my boys were little we went to the zoo we had three of them and the youngest was in the pushchair most of the time, the middle one kept disapearing and I kept telling him off, dad said nothing, the last straw was as we were leaving and they wanted one last go in the play park that was near the exit. The liitle sod ran off again when I finally found him by the wishing well I lost it, I got hold of him pulled down his trousers and smacked his bottom, boy did I get some looks but I didnt care I had had enough, he never wandered off again.

[bluemoon]

I'd never heard of the naughty step when mine were little, but I'd certainly have tried it if I had. Thinking back to when I was a kid I'd have hated it so it would definitely have worked for me.
All parents have days from hell, Tammy. It's not that you're doing anything wrong or that your child is a monster. You know they talk about the terrible twos? Well I've always thought that it should definitely be extended to the even more terrible threes. Our grandson is normally a little angel for us, but is a complete terror for his mum and dad, even so there was one day when we were caring for him that we still refer to as Black Wednesday and we are supposedly calm, experienced grandparents. In the end he was just so determined to stand in a corner and throw an almighty tantrum that there was nothing else for us to do but leave him to it. Our daughter is now employing the naughty step and it seems to be working, although it took a few weeks for him to accept the idea. I'd persevere, but keep telling yourself that none of this is your fault and that you are just like every other parent struggling with a toddler. Thet do eventually grow up, it just seems to take sooooooooo long.

[shirlthegirl43]

I once had problems with elder son throwing a tantrum in a store because he wanted a toy I had no intention of buying him. He threw a total wobbly but soon shut up when I imitated him. He laughs about it now and I suspect if he ever has children he will use the same technique if required.

[jackie j]

Boys never grow up do they ? !!!!

[Tracey]

When my kids were little and hard to manage the health visitor suggested dried pasta in a jar. When the kids were good, they got a pasta added to the jar, when they misbehaved, a pasta was taken out. When the jar was full, they got to choose a toy. It really worked as the kids could see them building up. They were also competitive, which helped. They're now 14 and 11 and have fond memories of their pasta jars.