Does the naughty step work?

[Finedon.Dandy]

Does anyone have any experience of this working please?

I was up at 3am (loo) and as I tried to get back to sleep I ended up dwelling on yesterday (day from hell) and ended up bawling my eyes out.

I spent an hour "doing" the naughty step last night (just as dinner was ready which made it even more of a pain) with Daniel (3) yet all he kept doing was getting off. I stopped him from going upstairs by turning the light out (first waves of guilt for doing that). Ended up sitting with him and it was a case of him getting off then me putting him back about 50 times. (dont know if I am meant to sit with him or not - if he just moves one step does that count as him getting off?) Then when he had finaly had the 3 consecutive minutes I knelt down to get the appology and he hit me round the face - as I wear glasses it really really hurt so I am afraid I smaked his hand. (next wave of guilt)

I had started putting toys into that bin I keep for such occurances (he has been so good since I put loads in there last time) After the naughty step he was still being well naughty and I was losing patience - dinner was getting cold and being dancing night we were on a schedule. It ended up with me confisgating ALL his toys as he just kept hitting me, DD or throwing other toys - at least sitting room is tidy! I know it was all because he was soooo tired and boy was I glad I didnt have to get hubbie from station at 8pm again last night as I know kids are suffering cos of it. I rang Nanny to see if she could talk any sense into him but even that didnt work - Nanny said to me hubbie not strict enough and should back me up (felt like saying well he is your son - you tell him!) I am so worried I am bringing up a yobbo but am also so worried that my methods are all wrong and I am damaging my darling boy for life. I am also struggling to cope at mo as I am so exhausted - get this I am on a higher level of thyroxine but my blood test show I am no better off than when I was last tested (at a time when not pg ) in January - no wonder I am so knackered.

In the end - when I got home after taking H dancing I rang my neighbour to ask if she could sit with him when I went to get H 3/4 hour later as I felt he just needed to get to bed. She heard how distressed I was (becoming a good friend she is) and she dropped everything rushed over to help. She made me go and sit down with a drink for a few mins while she bathed him. We then put him to bed together and I left her reading a story while I got H. When I got back he was fast asleep and she said she had never seen him so tired (third wave of guilt)

Sorry its been a rant - am crying again so will go for a bit now and calm down as gotta do school run soon. I know it will be all rosy again soon but am feeling pretty low this am - period pains too so it could be worse cos of PMT? Not read through so sorry for any sp mistakes.

Tammy

[piskieinboots]

Does the naughty step work?

it does in here - Pigletwillie uses superglue, plays havoc with ya pants I can tell ya!

[Two_Sheds]

Naughty step will work if you are consistent with it. Like anything. If you give in, it is pointless, and the child quickly learns that if they play up enough, they will win.
My friend has brought up 3 utter little monsters, because she always gives in to their tantrums ~ so they know that if they play up long enough, loud enough, they will get their own way.

Absolutely do not tolerate hitting ... and I'm afraid you have to lead by example, so don't hit him either. Use a very loud "No!" and a pointy finger instead.
Make sure you reward good behaviour with cuddles and stories.
God, it ain't easy ~ but you've got to show him who's boss. xx

[Finedon.Dandy]

Trouble is TS I have a loud voice so I supose my loud "No" isnt much different! I feel so bad I didnt take him Mums and Tots yesterday now - I just figured it would overtire him and I was just so busy trying to tidy up his mess.

[maytreefrannie]

My heart goes out to you - my children are all grown now, but I can remember all too well the helplessness I felt at times in the event of over-tiredness.

I agree with Two Sheds - don't hit back, even if you have to leave the room (or the step) for a minute or two to get back your composure.

Don't worry too much (easy for someone else to say, I know), you're not raising a yobbo, it's just that you and he have had a very tough day - being tired and trying to carry on is most draining.

Again, agreeing with Two Sheds, reward good behaviour with cuddles and stories. And try to get some for yourself - cuddles and rest time.

Also, reward yourself - give yourself credit for the good job you're doing - the world is made a better place by good mums and dads.

Thinking of you.

[squashysu]

hi ya tammy

well firstly i never ever use the word naughty, that is nothing bad to anyone else, but having an autistic child has made me realise that behaviour is for a reason!

we are also not allowed to use it in school, cause they say define the word "naughty" and you cant really, every child has a reason for that behaviour at that time, hunger, tired, ill etc etc.

i have tried the step and everything else as well, i think 3 is harder work than 2, to be truthful and he will push the boundaries cause he knows he can.

All i can advise is dont shout, dont get upset (easier said than done lol! i know, i shout loads!!!!)

take a step back, get a timer and tell him to sit on the step until the timer comes, get something visual, he wont understand time because of his age,

use a card with a unhappy face on it and explain that you will not shout, but if you show him the card then he must stop, its amazing how it works!!

i have loads and loads of ideas, but need to get to work with my amazing 3 year olds, one was hitting and kicking me yesterday and i still smiled lol!!! thats hard too x

speak to you soon xx

ignore him, he will soon realise he doesnt get a reaction, funny how it works, it even does on my son x

[jackie j]

Never under estimate yourself Tammy, you sound like a wonderful mum, he will test you time and time again pushing the boundries to see how far he can go, I'm afraid its a constant battle. You need you OH to back you believe me I have brought up 4 boys and their dad was useless, Can he or does he have time on his own with them especially your little boy to do boys stuff or things your daughter can join in with. Your little boy is also picking up on your feelings even if you think you are hiding them. Keep going with the naughty step it will work, time out also works, try not to smack but be consistant with what you decide to do.
Can your OH get home from the station by other means it seems a bit selfish of him to expect your children to be up at that time of night especially if they are usually in bed by then.
Take care of yourself Tammy.
Hugs Jackie

[zazen999]

Hi there

Did you explain to him what he had done wrong and what you expect next time the 'thing' happens? He might not understand what he's actually done.

Personally, I use sticker charts - I made some happy face stickers and some black sad face ones and cut them all up. My OH's DD [11] was in the habit of not cleaning her teeth and did a few other annoying childish things, so she got a black sticker for bad and a happy face for good - and extra happy face ones for unusually good behaviour and it worked a treat. She got little something [a book usually] every time she reached 20 stickers [she's not with us all the time so it takes a while to build up].

The very first time I went to my OH's house for a day out with them both [she was nearly 8], she didn't want to go - and stormed up the stairs shouting 'I don't want to go' and other such stuff. I - not shouted - but firmly said up the stairs that it was tough and she went mental - 'you can't say those sorts of things to me' etc...nobody had ever made her do anything she didn't want to do before - needless to say she was packed off in the car within 10 minutes and enjoyed herself [as usual] and I've since been known as Andrea Tough. We now refer to it as the T word, and if she starts I say 'you know what I'm gonna say next, don't you'...it always gets her moving [when I'm in charge anyway...]

I found out when she was 8 1/2 that nobody had managed to teach her how to swing - she always wanted to be pushed and I'm sorry but at that age she should be able to swing for goodness sake. We went to the park one day and because I wouldn't push her she just sat there and a girl about 5 tipped her off the swing and she was in tears. So, I took her out that week, on a quiet night and taught her how to...start - swing - and complete the swinging experience. Yes, there were more tears but the look on her face when we next went out and she did it on her own was priceless. Her mum and dad just cave in at the first sight of a tear, and she plays them like a fiddle, I don't want to hurt her but she's got to learn some stuff before she leaves home right???

I'm not even going to get into how I taught her basic maths and at 11 - we are still having issues with telling the time and left and right...but I'm getting there...

Anyway - back to you! I think you are a wonderful mum, and it was a bad, tiring, busy day. I'd use time out in the bedroom before the naughty step, as there is no interaction and no eye contact...but you've got to explain calmly what he did wrong so that he can learn from it. If you do it now when he is still just about able to be picked up, you should be able to knock it on the head pretty early.

[FionaH]

Hiya
My heart goes out to you!. My youngest was extemely challenging. At least thats what my best friend who is a social worker called him! Most of the time I just thought he was a little bugger! The naughty step or time out never worked with him. It once took three hours to get him to sit for three minutes! As I had an older child and stuff to do it just wasnt feasible. I admit he did learn that if he played up badly enough I would cave in. But I have never met a single child who could tantrum for so long!

As he got older I did find sticker charts with a reward at the end really helpful. That and picking my fights. I learnt not to sweat the small stuff so I had the emotional energy to stick to my guns when I had to.

Hitting children is wrong, I know it, you know it etc..... But you slapped his hand you didnt batter him I can promise you he is not going to grow up traumatised with an ASBO. You are obviously a great Mum or you wouldnt be this upset. Sounds like you need some rest. Any chance OH can look after the kids or better still take them out for an hour so you can get some kip?

Sus tips looked great wish I had thought of the timer thing years back!

It does all come out in the wash. I made plenty of parenting mistakes (still making new ones). My eldest is now working hard for his A levels and planning Uni. The youngest is working (not so hard) for his GCSEs and wants to be a plumber. Both are horribly well adjusted. Most importantly they are kind considerate chaps. They still cant load the flaming dishwasher though! Best of luck hon

[lainey lou]

Tammy it's obvious to anyone that you are a brilliant Mum, loving, thoughtful and child orientated.
I understand your feelings of guilt, I've been there myself, when they're asleep looking like a perfect little angel you feel like monster Mum! But really guilt is such a wasteful and draining emotion, it ain't doing you or little 'un any favours.
Will you have a chance to sit and talk with your OH over the weekend?
I suggest you tell him that you need some support with this, make an action plan that you both feel happy with for dealing with mis behaviour and then stick to it.
Remember to tell your children what the consequences of misbehaviour will be and if they do misbehave give them a warning before carrying out the consequence, " Tommy stop swinging the cat round by the tail immedietly or you will have to sit on the naughty step...."
Try to stay calm and be consistant, not always easy I know but count to 10, or 1000! It will be worth it in the end!
And as I know you already do keep praising up all the good behaviour and wonderful things they do.
Good luck hun and stop beating yourself up.x

[di]

Firstly Tammy,as others have said,don't beat yourself up about it!!When mine were way too tiny to push my buttons,I was convinced I'd be the perfect mum....never raise my voice,always have time to sit & do painting/sticking/reading & everythingelse.....keep a perfectly tidy house...have a constant supply of homemade treats(that of course the children would help me make).....& most definately never smack!!..........Then somewhere along the line,things kind of changed!!Think the best thing any mum/dad can do is release that image of what a perfect parent is & just do your best!...I bet if you got talking to any one of the "perfect"mums you know,they too have moments just as you've described.
As for the naughty step,for us it didn't really work,DD never really needs it...for her mummy raising her voice or showing displeasure in her behaviour is usually enough...DS on the other hand has been a lot harder work!!My method with him,if his behaviour has been really bad is to take away ONE favoured toy & put up high...totally out of reach but where he can seeit...lots of screaming usually comes after this,but unless he becomes violent,then I ignore,(violent then one more toy gets taken away.)It's not easy I know but you've got to try & stay rational for it to work...
As for smacking...I'm not a fan,but there have been occasions where they've had a short sharp shock...But definately with DS this just causes him to step up to the next level(He'd punch/kick back),& he'd automatically have the upper hand,knowing we'd not dream of kicking him back.
One more thing,do you think your boy was acting up because he knew you were in a rush to get your girl off to dance??Could he have been jealous?If you don't have to stay at dance it might be worth telling him next week that if he can be really good & help you to get out of thehouse on time,that when you get back you can spend some special time doing something he chooses?? ((((fairy))))x

[Finedon.Dandy]

Thanks you guys, I feel alot calmer now but then I always do once I have a chat with the grapes!

Spoke to my Mum & Dad when I got home from the school run. Dad said he once walloped me (dont recall at all) when I was little and felt so sick when he realised what he had done that he never did it again - the memory made him stop short whenever he got angry. Mum said I shouldnt have left kids so long so they didnt get a chance to make such a mess (thats how it started me asking D to tidy up) and she said (as some of you have suggested) that I should have sent him up to his room for some time out - even if he played.

Daniel and I did have a nice chat and a cuddle in bed this am and I went through various actions he may do at playschool and asking if it was good or bad like; playing nicely, hitting, shouting, asking etc and he got every one correct. I then said that he did know how to be good and he said he was just angry last night. I said he was feeling like that because he was tired and that at playschool he could tell a teacher how he is feeling or go and sit in the book corner for a rest. He did seem to understand that.

I have picked up lots of other tips from all your wordly Mums and I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me - I am sure it is really goning to help. I am also going to tell DH that I cannot keep collecting him from the station just to save petrol in case I need to car anywhere (his is a company car) so on a Tuesday (Rainbows) and a Thursday (dancing) he must take his car and leave it at station or even better do it every day except on a day when I have plans to go somewhere.

Tammy

[jackie j]

I had to pick my OH up every day for three months from the other side of town in rush hour, as well as trying to get the tea take kids to where ever and it was a night mare. He had no choice as he had an operation and his leg was in plaster, someone would take him and bring him home but wouldnt come across town it was a nightmare was I glad when he could drive himself. I still hate it if he asks me to drop him or pick him up from anywhere and we have two cars.

[lainey lou]

Glad you're feeling better hun x

[lynda66]

i actually had the most obnoxious horrible child it is possible to have ..... and there were times when i smacked him, it was at times very hard to keep my temper ...... we had a rule though, only one toy at a time, unless it was something like a building he'd made for cars and erm dinosaurs, but anyway, tidying the toys away was always part of the playing ...... oh yeah, and he had his own play hoover, and dusters and a mop bucket and a feather duster (never to young to start) ...... ok lets see how fast we can tidy this lot away, then we can have a glass of milk and a biccie the norty step never really worked with him either, cos he used to get himself in such a state (it was impossible to stop, there were reasons) but anyway, one thing i did find worked, when the child is screaming and you shout they get louder ...... so if you whisper, they have to shut up to hear you ...... the sticker thing worked wonderfully too, as did setting him small chores to get the stickers, ........ when he hit back i would put him in the living room, and go out to the kitchen ...... and hold the door shut.......... after he calmed down, i would sit with him and explain and he would say sorry, and we'd have a hug

anyway, he's nearly 19 now, and hasn't got an asbo, doesn't beat up old grannies, and is pretty cool (and yes we still argue occasionally.... till i spank his bum )