confidence

[veggiechicken]

OK I'll amend that _ I'm happy that you have each other

[Jeanied]

My late hubby always felt loads better after a home 'makeover'. Haircut, facial, manicure, massage whatever it took. He also loved to buy a complete new outfit but there again he had his extravagant side

[Creemteez]

Can't really add any more to all the good stuff above, but just wanted to send you both a big hug and say keep taking those baby steps. I'm sure you'll get there in the end!xx

[Two_Sheds]

I don't think you can give yourself confidence, I think it needs to be reflected from others (having others appreciate/praise you, for instance).

When I couldn't get a job, had no money and no prospect of any forthcoming, I started volunteering in a school, hearing readers. I'm good at English, I love reading ... it came naturally. I've now been volunteering for 7 years and I treat it as a job, it makes me feel worthwhile

Everyone needs to find something that makes them feel useful

[veggiechicken]

Does he belong to any Forums, similar to this one?
I can honestly say that I have made more "friends" on here that I would have done out in the real world in the 6 months or so since I stopped lurking! Some of you I have met in person and more of you I hope to meet soon. Its hard not to build confidence in a community like this.
Thank you everybody for giving me the chance to be me!!

[Pa Snips]

I was going to suggest visiting a hypnotherapist but as he doesn't like meeting new people how about a self-hypnosis CD. I typed 'agoraphobia self hypnosis' into Google and got a selection of results.

[SarrissUK]

Confidence is one of these things that you can only achieve yourself, and by pushing boundaries that may make you feel uncomfortable.
When I was a young teenager I was painfully shy. I was well aware of my shyness and decided one day that I wasn't going to let that stop me in my life any more, and pushed through it by doing things that I didn't really dare do - little things at first, but I soon got braver.
I wasn't particularly good at public speaking, or even in class, but a teacher once told me that if you think about what to say, then say it as if you are someone else, and with a confident, strong voice, it soon becomes a habit, and hey presto - people all of a sudden listened!
A friend of mine was more or less house bound with agoraphobia when I moved into this house - she lived down the street. She said she couldn't go here, or do that.. and I said 'Yes you can - only you are stopping yourself. Take a small step every day. Every single day.'
Now she's happy as Larry, doing anything that takes her fancy. She's getting married shortly and going away on holiday. Something she's not done for many, many years since the phobia set in.
No one could have brought her out of it though, I take absolutely no credit for where she is now. Every single day she was busting through her insecurities and fears and got one with life, one little step at a time. I can't tell you how proud I am of her

[binley100]

My allotment and the time spent on here have both boosted my confidence to an incredible degree. I'm still not fully confident in myself and have spells of what the bladdy 'ell am I doing but i can cope with them now.

[di]

I've never had a lot of confidence. It's affected me to varying degrees most of my life.

October, having been an active member of the PTA for some years, I was elected Chair. Initially, I said I'd do it, just so long as someone else chaired the meetings (it was stupid, we're all friends and I can speak openly in the meetings, yet the thought of being everyone's focus filled me with dread) Then I had a moment and decided, to heck with it, I can do this. Spent the week leading up to my first meeting having second thoughts and mild panic attacks, almost bottled it but then come the time, started the meeting with lots of ums and ahs, by the end it just felt like a natural chat with mates. It was totally out of my comfort zone, but the buzz I felt after really boosted my confidence.

Then, December, circumstances had me at an all time new low. Some days I managed the school run, with a huge peaked cap,collar of coat up and head down. Other mornings, one of my neighbours would get a call five minutes before to say I couldn't do it and they'd do the drop off and pick up.
Ended up spending a fortune on groceries as the only place I felt able to go was the local co op. Supermarkets and town were a total no no.

Then, one day I thought of the kiddies. They get one childhood. Their childhood memories can either be great or they can be of being cooped up in the house. Trust me, it was hard going, but knowing I HAD to get out there for them forced me to do it. Town took a while longer than school and friends and even then I had to walk as I couldn't stand the thought of getting on a bus and everyone staring at me.

I knew I had to find work, perfect timing, a job for relief came up with the same people I worked with ten years ago....you won't hear me saying this often but, not only do I love it, I'm also great at it. I still have days when the world terrifies me...I'm meant to be going out for the first 'proper' night out since this last bout. It's already worrying me. Day to day though, the confidence my work has given me is helping me to be the happy, confident enough to enjoy life again person I was.

I hope you don't think I'm being flippant or harsh here but I do wonder if you care too much. Give him a responsibility, something he HAS to do. Otherwise, he might never get over it. It will be bloody hard, my first venture into town, I had a panic attack as I approached the end of the park and had to sit under a tree for an hour. I called a friend and she came and met me and took me for a coffee. I succeeded, it didn't make the next time easy but it made it doable.

You do have my sympathy, it scares me to think if it wasn't for the kiddies, I could still be sat in, convinced the world was a place I couldn't cope with. It's been ongoing for your OH for sometime I think? I wonder if more therapy/hypnosis or whatever will help or actually just, subconsciously confirm he can't do it.

Lots of love and good thoughts to you both...the pair of you CAN do it. xxx

[di]

And now I'm worrying about my wording, however, I've read it and raed it again and can't see where I can change it.

I know I'm so lucky to have my kiddies, a raeson/purpose to pull myself out of the hole I found myself in....your OH needs to find a rael raeson/purpose to leave the house.xx

[Feral007]

I have to agree with di. One of my boys is lacking in confidence and overthinks everything. LOL his view is that I underthink everything
The thing is that if he was left to himself he'd go no where. While I sympathise with him as I've hated being the centre of attention in my lifetime, I also know that if he doesn't get out there at all then it's only going to get worse.
This w/e he and his brother are in the city for a w/e seminar that he is really interested in.
Sometimes getting some gentle, constant prodding and reminding that there are things that need to be done. And just expanding it each time is what is needed too.

I don't know how it is for your partner, so I'm just giving you an alternative view of what can sometimes be useful. Like di, I think that sometimes we care so much that we don't have expectations because we don't want them to feel that they aren't good enough if they don't fullfill those expectations. For me, sometimes I just have to jump in or I'd be paralyzed with lack of confidence. For my son atm, he can't do that and needs to feel that we have confidence in him, and that we expect him to make some effort. Sounds really harsh when you write it, but it's not really.

There are subiminal mp3's that you can get online. I have some for weightloss and insomnia. I like them but some people don't like that sort of thing. It's more reinforcing what you actually believe, stopping that negative self talk that a lot of us go on with at times.

You sound really positive yourself, it must be tiring tho, being the positive one all the time.
We have a thing called Moodgym online here and some people find that helpful too.
Ali

[Bigmallly]

I was also thinking along the same lines as VC but she beat me to it......the vine has helped me no ends......Good Luck.

Agoraphobia Forum - SocialPhobiaWorld.com

[horticultural_hobbit]

As silly as this sounds. I Try to have a rocky moment, you know with the eye of the tiger theme. That, and pretend I've been selected to play for England.

I may be missing the point, but it helps me feel a bit more bouyant. Something amplified if someone pays you on the back and says well played. Acts like an instant man hug, someone providing that little bit of support

[Hilary B]

I would agree strongly with 2 things that have already been said
1) a reason you've GOT to do it, for someone else
2) something you CAN do, whether important, useful or neither

Is there anyone (other than yourself, because in this context you may be too close to be convincing) who can encourage him on the second of these? Someone who can big up believing in this ability (whatever it might be).

[Jax]

Di, dont worry I get what your saying and I dont think you were harsh. It is a possibility and I am stepping back abit and making things happen more that he HAS to deal with. He has been putting off emptying a swimming pool to get rid of it for ages. I couldnt work out how to drain it myself so I put a hole in the bottom of it. So it was done and he had no excuse. Sounds bad but I have to make it happen else it wont. Instead of instantly jumping in, I leave him to it and if he needs me he has to ask. So he knows I am always there for him all he has to do is ask. Not an easy thing to do though.

Feral, it is exhausting! Wont let my positivity dip though.

Pa Snips, we have hypno cds he used to listen to. I may have to try and get him to use them again.

Jeanied, I love makeovers and dressing up etc makes me feel wonderful. He used to be the same but over time as he got more stuck in a rut he rejects the idea so I may push it abit more!!

I am trying to remember everything but thankyou everyone for your advice etc. It really is appreciated x