confidence

[cardiffsteve]

I'm assuming he has joined on here.
I'm sure they would be encouraging if he hasn't

Index page | Ford Anglia 105E Owners' Club Forum

Apologies if he has.

[veggiechicken]

That's the ticket, Steve. Just the thing for a car enthusiast. It was the first car I ever drove so happy memories for me too!

[dominic10]

Your OH may or may not have spoken to a 'gifted' professional recently - I say gifted because you can sometimes see the right person at the right time and get help. A neighbour of my mothers was helped by someone new and enthusiastic with fresh ideas who eventually has left her house after 30 years after relying on neightbours for shopping, etc and now ventures out to lunches, clubs, etc and is able to catch a bus and do her shopping. I imagine every situation is different - I went through a very bad patch several years ago but because I and my friends knew the cause I had a lot of help. Also having had a major panic attack on one occasion I would stress the baby steps. When I first read this the thing that popped into my mind was the 'how to eat an elephant' but someone has already posted this. Lots of very good advice here. Do you also find time for yourself?

[SlugLobber]

I empathise with you, Jax. My OH has terrible phobias (heights, mainly), which limit us to what we can do. I haven't had a holiday in 8 years, as not only will he not fly, he hates motorways. Last night we went to a cinema which I thought was all ground floor. It wasn't! It took quite a pep talk from me to get him just to go up stairs - at one point I felt like I was telling a 5yr old to eat his greens!

I'm a great believer in Self Determination Theory (SDT). Look up Edward Deci and Richard Ryan. They have some really good online lectures which sometimes centre around learning theory (motivating children), but which apply to all ages (particularly Ed Ceci). For your OH (and mine, for that matter) to get better, it must come from him.

Part of it is understanding behaviour and how to change it. I got into that due to my animals, but so much of it applies to us, too. I've been able to use what I've learnt to help my OH and he has done much more than he used to, despite me getting impatient sometimes! At one point he wouldn't go on the motorway at all, but he now goes on the M25 for half the circuit. Last year his Dad took him up to Lincolnshire for a tractor show! He hated the journey, but there's no way he'd have done that 7yrs ago. He wouldn't try new foods at one point, or eat out (and he definitely wouldn't have gone up those stairs at the cinema back then!). Having the support helps give them a little push, but they have to take the steps themselves and see the rewards for themselves, too. I wonder if there's an elderly neighbour who needs practical help on your street? Something which involves leaving the house, but going back inside (into the neighbour's house)? There's a lot of truth in helping others being help for yourself - there's nothing more rewarding!

Anyway, take a look at SDT. It'll give you some ideas (I hope). Good luck. Here's something to get you started...
Theory

[Kleftiwallah]

Some years ago I suffered with severe clinical depression, as one of the engineering profession, as bad as I was I used engineering principles to overcome it. (Never liked taking tablets). If I have an engineering problem, I can usually fix it if I understand how 'the beast' works.

I used this with my depression, I read all the books I could on the subject, after I had read all the relevant books from three libraries I was finally allowed to take books from a medical library in our 'big town'. My medical appiontments quickly became question and answer sessions with the medics!

I got to know what was going on in my head and what wasn't happening correctly, this understanding helped me far more than pills. The old "pull yourself together seems to have worked to a degree" ! ! !

The bad news is that the depression (and a couple of little problems from my childhood) has left me with an insecurity problem - procrastination. I know what has to be done and I can obtain the stuff to do it (and some projects are quite large) it's getting off my backside and turning the T.V. off and getting on with it is extremely difficult.

Sometimes it is a case of 'taking the job by surprise', jumping up and 'going for it' before the fears that the job will not turn out as perfectly (as I think it should) as it might. And when it is done I don't seem to get any sense of achievement.

I've rambled on about ME ME ME for long enough, but if you can relate your hubbies problems to anything I've said and it helps then it's been worth while.

Cheers, Tony.

[Jax]

Thankyou guys, the trouble is. It is now so ingrained that it has become even harder. It is incredibly difficult and I cant leave the house either as he has monophobia and every therapist he has ever seen have tried to conquer that on the theory I can tempt him out. They all relent and say that its not a possibility and that we need to get him out first. My theory is that once the ball gets rolling the momentum will keep him going. This has been 5 years now! I know that as part of me encouraging I am bordering nagging wife!! Funny thing is that I can give everything I have learnt to other agoraphobes and they take the advice and many of them have utilised them and made progress but because I am so close I think its different. We arent allowed any more help from the NHS as they have given 2 lots of therapy at 8 sessions. Annoys me that they can leave us in this situation though, but I do understand it. I will definitely look into the SDT thankyou I flick from feeling like I am not good enough to make him better to knowing it has to come from him and I just have to support him. He is on the Anglia forum but they are not as chatty as we are!

[donnakebab]

I feel for you Jax. I have had some experience of several 'psychological conditions' (for want of a better phrase) over the years and nobody ever seems to be able to put their finger on a cause or a cure. Our brains are more complicated than our physique. In my experience once you have done all the research you can, some things will fall into place like a jigsaw and some won't so you end up with pieces missing and that's when it gets frustrating.

I'm sorry I can't give you any answers. In fact something Kleftiwallah posted has hit the nail on the head in describing what somebody very close to me is going through at the moment (but they won't admit it).

At least you can be sure of shoulder to lean / cry on / dribble and snot on here. Take care. X

[di]

I flick from feeling like I am not good enough to make him better to knowing it has to come from him and I just have to support him.


Try not to feel like you're not good enough. xxx

[Jax]

I do well on the whole Di, but we all get our over indugent self pity moments. Just hard seeing the person you love struggle so much

[cardiffsteve]

I do well on the whole Di, but we all get our over indugent self pity moments. Just hard seeing the person you love struggle so much

I'm sure we are all guilty of self pity but dont be ashamed.
I dont know where I'd be if I didnt have a loving partner who looked after me like you do for your hubby.

[Chocolate8me]

Jax firstly may I say how fantastic you are for sticking by your husband & trying to help him. I appreciate that more than anything because I suffer anxiety at times & my boyfriend is amazing, it really helps.

Secondly I hope your husband is seeking professional help & is dealing with the cause not just the symptoms.

Fourthly (see what I done there?) get him to make a list of things that he used to enjoy pre-agoraphobia. It doesn't matter how simple those items on the list are, as long as he enjoyed them. Then get him on a good day to pick one (without him having that knowledge when he writes the list) and see if he can enjoy it again. It may be difficult at first but the same as anything, if you work at it in little steps...

Anyway, best of luck to you both.

[di]

I do well on the whole Di, but we all get our over indugent self pity moments. Just hard seeing the person you love struggle so much

I think our over indulgent self pity moments are what sometimes help us get through....just don't go blaming yourself love.

There's an organisation here called 'Suffolk Carers'. If you were local, I'd be suggesting you get in touch...not sure if they have sister companies across the country?

I know when you love someone, you'll do anything for them, every now and then though, you must think of you too....a day/ evening out sounds like it's needed. Who knows, maybe if he starts to see you enjoy the world again, he may just, at least find the desire to get out there again...even if the ability takes a while to catch up. xxx

[Hilary B]

Thankyou guys, the trouble is. It is now so ingrained that it has become even harder. It is incredibly difficult and I cant leave the house either as he has monophobia and every therapist he has ever seen have tried to conquer that on the theory I can tempt him out. They all relent and say that its not a possibility and that we need to get him out first. My theory is that once the ball gets rolling the momentum will keep him going. This has been 5 years now! I know that as part of me encouraging I am bordering nagging wife!! Funny thing is that I can give everything I have learnt to other agoraphobes and they take the advice and many of them have utilised them and made progress but because I am so close I think its different. We arent allowed any more help from the NHS as they have given 2 lots of therapy at 8 sessions. Annoys me that they can leave us in this situation though, but I do understand it. I will definitely look into the SDT thankyou I flick from feeling like I am not good enough to make him better to knowing it has to come from him and I just have to support him. He is on the Anglia forum but they are not as chatty as we are!

There may have to be a moment of being cruel to be kind, maybe doing something YOU want to do that puts him JUST A FRACTION outside his comfort zone, so he either has to cope (for a short time) without your company, OR he has to come with you. The problem is spotting the moment when this is doable, because mistiming it could be a very bad thing......
Yes I can well believe that you are 'too close', because basically he's used to you, so doesn't take notice of what he would respond to from someone else, this is perfectly normal husbandism!

[Jax]

Thankyou chocolate8me (fab username!!!!) he doesnt have any proffesional help as the NHS have refused him help. I have argued and argued and argued but they wont shift.

Usually I have to stay within his vicinity so if he is indoors I am indoors etc. Yesterday I decided whislt he was playing his game on the computer and I just got up and calmly told him I was doing stuff outside and went out. He asked I kept an ear out and I stayed outside for a couple of hours and he was fine so I am pushing the bounderies abit. I just worry as I am doing this from my intuition not guided by anyone that knows what they are doing.

[di]

Jax Hun, you have so got to get some help...for the both of you. We can all give our inputs, but none of us know you nor him.

I was lucky, though I went through a phase where the outside world scared the **** out of me, it was short lived. Having been there, even though it wasn't so long, I can sympathise with just how real that stupid fear is. There just has to be some voluntary organisations that can help.

Don't forget to look after you too love. xxx