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  • My niece and her Dad

    Yesterday was one of my great nieces birthday's party all day lovely family friends gathering.
    Anyhow My niece that lost her mum last october was there and omg is she mixed up, she told us lots of stuff that we quessed at but not sure about, any how she rings her dad and he tells her she has to go home and stay home, she wanted to go out with her friends. She passes phone to my niece ( 35yrs ) and he is drunk and at the pub been there all afternoon, niece breaks down in tears and tells us she doesnt want to go home and that is why she stays at any friends house that will have her, her friends mum is also an alcholic. So we have family disscussion and my other sister says she is staying with her for the night. I rang him to tell him, he says his daughter has let him down never rings him to say where she is, then she rings late at night to say staying over at friends, so I say well you should ring her, he says I Dont KNOW HER NUMBER, what parent doesnt know his childs phone number when they live under the same roof. I was spitting by now, so I told him he should know it write it down, We had been trying to call him for hours, he says well i have been in the pub just got home 7pm exactly says I and you are drunk and she is not coming home so he put the phone down on me.
    He has locked her in and taken away the door keys so she cant get out when he is there.
    We dont know where we stand but she will be coming to live with one of us soon cos she will not be going into care and we are letting my sister down.
    I volentered my sister to go and see what the situation is this morning. !!!
    She has no clothes as we chucked it all out recently and we left some washing of hers for him to do and its still in the basket 3 weeks later.
    My nephew is taking her shopping tomorrow.
    Gardening ..... begins with daybreak
    and ends with backache

  • #2
    Not much you can do about a drinking alcoholic but you could suggest alanon for your niece. Its a 12 step group for relatives and friends of drinkers. She could find it really helpful.
    Best of luck
    WPC F Hobbit, Shire police

    Comment


    • #3
      FionaH she is thirteen and has been having councelling but we dont know whats been said. She just doesnt want to be with him.
      Gardening ..... begins with daybreak
      and ends with backache

      Comment


      • #4
        Hi
        When's she coming to live with you? Sounds like the sooner the better.

        Comment


        • #5
          The only thing I can suggest is to make sure they both know that you are there for them. Her dad sounds like he is having a hard time coming to terms with the situation (did he spend hours in the pub before his wife died?) Is he seeing a doctor for depression or counselling - it sounds like he should be. The best situation is that the dad and daughter manage to work this out, get on and live together, but at the moment this isn't working. Is he scared that he may lose her too - is this why he's locking her in? I'd be careful about fighting with him as this may alienate him which would be bad long term and he needs help and support from the family. Maybe suggest the daughter stays with someone else for a bit whilst he gets his head straight (not a friend with an alcoholic mum, it's just more confusion for her). And make sure thay keep in touch and talk, lots, as they really need each other at a time like this.
          Hope I haven't offended you, I really wish you well, Vicky

          Comment


          • #6
            I agree with Vicky, but for the short-term, this young girl needs a break. Being 14 is hard enough and she needs to concentrate on her future. Her Dad can be worked on once she's out of the house, but he definitely needs help. You're a star to take her on, it's not an easy situation. Best wishes. xx

            Comment


            • #7
              We as a family have been having councilling to help him but he is in his sixty's and very pig ignorant always has been always will be. He has always been a drinker comes with working in the trade all his life.
              Its hard to know what to do for the best, the last thing my sister said about a week before she died when asked what did she want to happen with her daughter was for them to live together in peace and harmony this isnt and I dont think will ever happen, he is too set in his ways, he doesnt have a relationship with his two daughters from his first marriage and they are in their 30's.
              We do want to help but it goes in one ear and out the other, if he gives her any money its for essentials like clothes toiletries etc, she is constantly hungry yet he buys cigars and wine everyday plus loads of papers spending about £20 a day, yet ask him to buy food and he says I dont need much food., doesnt expect her to niether.
              Who or where she will end up living is something we are trying to sort out, he has our support and help but sits on his backside expecting me and my sister to sort her out.
              She needs love and affection not constant nagging and being shouted at, being told she is an idiot etc, she is a very bright kid.
              Gardening ..... begins with daybreak
              and ends with backache

              Comment


              • #8
                Although always a drinker could it be the loss of your sister has affected him by leading him to more drink? Its a terrible waste of his life and will almost certainly have a devastating affect of the relationship with his daughter. My sympathies that you have lost a sister at such a young age. The whole family doesn't need this on top.

                She will be legally able to take her own choice to live elsewhere at 16 but she has 2-3 potentially long and damaging years ahead - during which she'll be having to study for the most important set of exams before leaving school in due couse.

                Its difficult to know whether social services could help - even with willing voltunteer family carers on hand I guess there is a risk that they may take her into near-anonymous care if they feel she is in danger or neglected.

                I trust that she is not being abused other than mentally by having to witness her father's behaviour. If she suggests anything or the sort 'immediate' action must be taken. Drunkeness often leads to violent behaviour. It might be worth taking legal advice on grounds that you might petition for custody?

                One thing's for sure a drunk parent cannot take care of any child and when they are teenagers with all that angst, aggression and self-doubt they need a sober parent to absorb all of worst a teenager can dish out as well as be there should the youngster be getting into other difficulties. This young lady is not the same as other 'nasty' teenagers - she has every (growing up) right to have the odd strop at that age! - she has also lost her mum at a very young age - and the remaining parent is probably being parented by her. It is a situation imho which needs a solution asap.

                If all else fails - call in Jeremy Kyle - not meant flippantly - but he could help?

                Comment


                • #9
                  What an awful situation. Your family sound like caring, close-knit people though, so at least she has you all and in that way she is so much luckier than many in her situation. Hope everything goes well for you and your niece. Hugs BM.
                  Into each life some rain must fall........but this is getting ridiculous.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    she needs somewhere to stay where she's safe, under this situation, social services would probably remove her from the situation and put her somewhere 'safe' that safe place is obviously with the non alcoholic members of her family.

                    they will also encourage her to have contact with her father, in a safe environment where they can talk on a level basis..... he needs help, whether he will take the help is a different matter.

                    i would contact social services, and get them onside now, and tell them your plans rather than if teachers etc get involved, in which case she could be removed and placed in care ...... you need to avoid that at all costs.

                    she needs love and attention ... and normality, which she is not getting, but also needs to try to make a relationship with her father ....... and he needs to know what he is doing to her mentally. (maybe a visit from social services telling him the facts rather than members of the family might have some impact??) ... losing one parent at that age is one parent too many ...... he may not be perfect but he's the only parent she has left ....... but time spent with him needs to be in a safe environment ....... which currently it isn't

                    good luck

                    Lynda xx
                    Last edited by lynda66; 15-08-2008, 03:15 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Why don't you try phoning Childline, they should know all the options and it's anonymous so no chance of social workers getting involved if you don't want them to be yet.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Jackie - 'Social Services' (called Children and Young People Services outside of Torbay in Devon) would almost certainly look for a willing, suitable family member to care for a child when parents are not able to, it's usually their first choice as a much better option for the child. Security and stability and to know that people care are what she needs right now. Perhaps her dad would agree to someone 'helping out' by having her to stay 'for a while'. Dad may feel he needs her with him because of what he's going through right now, but he's the adult and what's best for his daughter has to come first. Good luck.
                        Life is too short for drama & petty things!
                        So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          jackie, i have to say i think your sister will be so proud of you and your other sis, i know that you will look after your niece no matter what happens with her dad and she is a lucky girl to have you all, some kids arent as lucky, my sister is a Social Worker and has worked with many families in the same situation and a lot of the kids.

                          You are an honour to your sisters memory and I am sure you will get this horrible situation sorted.

                          I hope your niece is ok x

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Everyone on here is so supportive and I thank you all.
                            Myself my sister and my BIL had a meetng yesterday with other BIL and yes he gets drunk but when he is sober he is ok, he has agreed that for the next 2 weeks she stays with my sister cos its just up the road. My niece is a very bright child and her teachers cannot believe she has come through school as well as she has. Unfortunatly she has got in with the wrong crowd who think its ok to get drunk smoke ect, One reason why she will be staying with my sister, my niece thinks its ok to ring dad late at night saying she cant get home, cos she knows he cant fetch her. She lies a lot we catch her out time and time again.
                            For now anyhow she is where she is safe we know where she is at all tmes, she will have to be in at a certain tme, she wont be able to go on the computer on sites that are not safe, she wont like the rules but tough its what she needs. My sister was ill for six years and it was easier for her to let my niece do what she wanted and always got away with things she shouldnt have, her dad was at work six days a week on double shifts, and now he expects her to do what he tells her to do.
                            There is a lot more to this and more to come, we see someone on a regular basis to work through how best to help them both, she she's her gp fortnghtly on her own and we asked for her to see a female mental health worker and the appointment has come through for her to see a man so that has to be changed, no disrespect to the men but at the mo she needs a female.
                            So for now I can sleep at night cos I know where she is even tho its on a mattress in the large hallway as my sister has got her son and girlfriend staying and her 3yr old grandson is coming on thursday.
                            I have a 12 yr old daughter and I have to be careful not to upset her although my niece can come here anytime to stay and live if need be but we want her and her dad to have a life together.
                            Gardening ..... begins with daybreak
                            and ends with backache

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Just thought I would let you know what has been happening over the past few weeks.
                              My niece is living with my sister and brother in law, for the time being anyway, how long for depends, but it looks like it will be permanant.
                              She is so much happier, and for once does everything asked of her, weather its getting in the shower, or coming home on time or letting my sister know where she is especially if she is going to be late, which she isnt very often.
                              She doesnt see her dad unless he pops in for a cuppa, he doesnt contact her or anyone to find out how she is.
                              The next thing to sort out is money, at the moment he claims everything for her and gives my sister £40 a week plus phone money and if my sister asks he gives her money for clothes etc. The question is will my sister be better off claiming for her in which case she will have to provide everything or carry on like they are. I dont think £40 is enough.
                              What do others think knowing what child benefit, child tax credit one gets. Also my sister and bil are declared bankrupt. So would everyone benefit or not.
                              Gardening ..... begins with daybreak
                              and ends with backache

                              Comment

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