Best phrase you've heard recently?

[Glutton4...]

If someone passes wind noisily...

Catch that and give it a coat of paint!

or

A bit more choke, mate and that'll start!

[miffy]

If my mum sees someone with a sour face she uses the expression:
she has a face like someone sucking a wasp!!

[fleegle]

When my dad used to belch he'd say

'pick the bones out of that one!'

urgh!

[lizzylemon]

Ours are:

Similar vain to someothers:

Rarer than rockinghorse sh*t - impossible / non exsistant
Nutter than squirrel sh*t - self explanatory surely
Two pigs fighting in a poke - a large bum in tight clothes
I've seen more meat on sparrows kneecap - usually in reference to me getting out of the bath as kid by my beloved Grandma

(Read one in my book last night will try to find it again.)

[chris]

"Put wood in 'ole".

Classic - the guys in work think I'm from Yorkshire, so trawled the BBC site for the yorkshire accent. Despite the fact that I'm from Derby, living in Wales - they all talk to me in a yorkshire accent, and often belt that one out randomly in work!

[its hilly]

Tighter than a ducks arse, and that's watertight
If brains were electricity she/he couldn't run a lightbulb
Terry Pratchett again 'will steal anything that's not nailed down, and if it is nailed down will steal the nails as well' (about Feegles)
And for a VERY fast car etc..like **** off a very shiney shovel
Put the shovel down (you've already dug yourself into a deep enough hole)
or just 'first rule of holes' (when you're in one stop digging)

And my all time favourite from a late friend of mine
'I'd as soon be tied to a cows tail and shitten to death' in reference to doing something she didn't want to do

[Flummery]

This golden oldie was uttered in the office this afternoon - "If brains were dynamite, he'd not have enough to blow his nose"

... he couldn't part his hair!

[Glutton4...]

...Two pigs fighting in a poke - a large bum in tight clothes...

My Dad has one for this, also to be used when looking (as he usually does) at a large female chest in a tight top;

Like two boy scouts under a blanket!

[zebedee]

One from Terry Pratchett that I love and use: He's so useless, he couldn't find his own arse with both hands and a road map!

[Polly Fouracre]

My sister on my dear sister in law who would so love to meet THE man "Poor old M.., her heart full of hope and her knickers full of memories!"
Also on the same M.. "She could talk a glass eye to sleep!!"

[Scunny Zeb]

If wit was sh*t, you'd be constipated.

I'm not going to have a battle of wits with you because its unfair fighting an unarmed opponent.

He'd be out of his depth on a damp pavement.

[Glutton4...]

...He'd be out of his depth on a damp pavement.

I LIKE that one!

I still like;
Go home, you're depriving your Village of an idiot!

[HeyWayne]

When talking about one of our managers, a colleague of mine said "he couldn't run a bath"

I enjoyed that - mostly because it's true.

[northmaid]

Heard someone described 'he's as sweaty as Gandhi's flip-flop'. Another as 'he's quite a wit', response was 'well you're half right'.

[lez]

I have a few and use them regulaly like,

I was born in the early hours of the morning but it wasn't this morning.
I may look like a cabbage but I'm not green.
who pulled your chain.
and allotment lady I use that one aswell only with 'it's the mutts nuts'.