Jokes

[NOG]

Ok it is a very old school boy joke. A play on words

Where is the soap = wears (uses up the soap) the soap

Need I explain more.

[JennieAtkinson]

This was doing the rounds in the office today - thought it was the best I'd heard for a while. (Apart from those here of course!)

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the study. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"



"George, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[nick the grief]

Ok it is a very old school boy joke. A play on words

Where is the soap = wears (uses up the soap) the soap

Need I explain more.

Bit like the old

How does a spanish lady hold her Liquor......


And no I'm not explaining that one

[Earthbabe]

You might get banned if you did Nick. Although surely LJ wouldn 't be that harsh.

[Earthbabe]

Good point LJ. What would any of us do without him.

[Waffler]

I'm sure I don't need to remind you that it's half term!! (however, I am finding it a laugh!)

[Earthbabe]

A tad stressful here as Miss E is mega tired.

[Slug]

I have a great one... I LOVE this joke

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks:

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.

Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Unamused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly.

He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.!

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death
of the bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's
cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?"

The other lion says "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees"

Isn't it great.... Groan.....

[Nicos]

Now that's one I could tell my mum ( and she'd understand it too!!!)

[Waffler]

Yeah, I like that one too!

[SueA]

Nice one Slug.
Not really a joke, this was told to me as a true story but I think it's an urban myth:-
A sales rep. is sent on an intensive course in a hotel & decides to take his wife with him to keep him company & so that she can do some shopping in the 'big city' while he's on the course. On the evening that they are leaving he's exhausted & so his wife offers to drive home as it means driving a long distance at night.
They set off in the drizzle & with the wipers going & the heater on the husband soon dozes off & sleeps all the way home. On arriving home he wakes up & asks his wife how the drive was & she says 'fine, but it was really stormy & there were lots of lightning flashes so I just speeded up a bit to get home out of it.'
Next week he gets a summons & £300 speeding fines in the post!
(Lightning-speed cameras-get it?)

[Slug]

Groan.....

[ugly gourd]

Well Ive just read this again its suppose to be a true story
VANILLA PUDDING ROBBERY
Once inside the bank the robbers were surprised not to see 2 large safes full of money and jewells instead there were hundreds of smaller safesthroughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe and found a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the banks audio tape one robber said "At least we 'll have a bit to eat" The robbers opened the second safe and it also contained vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were open.They didnt find one pound diamond or ounce of gold only covered bowls of vanilla pudding. Dissapointed the robbers made a quiet exit each leaving with nothing more than a queasy uncomfortably full stomach. The next morning the headline read
IRELANDS LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED

Sorry a bit yucky but funny

[Waffler]

That's gross!!!

[ugly gourd]

I know Im sorry!!