really annoyed, need to rant

[Rhona]

Blimey. What a nightmare! I don't have any experience or know anyone with a similar situation to be honest so have no advice. Just adding my voice of support as you're trying so hard to get it right and be a properly functioning, normal person for the little girl. I think it's great that you're doing the outdoor stuff with her - sounds like the whole sending her over in a ballet costume thing might be trying to make a point too - "don't you dare give my daughter any fresh air or contact with nature!"

I agree - gotta get the lawyers involved (hmmm... people DO need them after all...)

Good luck.

[Incy]

To be fair to him ... he is rather busy, having fathered 8 children by six women

Surely he should be concentrating on his long distance relationship with his own kids rather than interfering in Mr TS's relationship with his daughter!!!!!!!

[zazen999]

I am sure you all know really but just in case................

H.S.M. - High School Musical (Grease in modern clothes )

Sorry Tammy - I really didn't. I thought H&M or M&S mistype for a minute but Two-Sheds doesn't do mistypes.

[Incy]

Fancy allowing a 5 year old to get that picky about brands. What will she be like in her teens

[kirsty b]

I'm a step-parent and frankly, at times it really sucks
My OH and his ex made a real effort to keep things civil between them and after 10 years we are all realy close and the ex and I are good friends. They never had to go to court over the boys because each honoured the informal arrangements they had made themselves. There were teething problems over the first year and a bit though.
The boys used to threaten me with their mum/dad if I told/asked them what to do etc, or they disagreed with me, but I dealt with that by saying 'fine, tell her'. Once they learned I was not scared of either her or their dad they stopped trying to play us all off against each other.
I will confess I felt resentment and jealously of the kids at first - largely because I didn't have my own at the time and also cos they only lived about 8 doors away and we never had any privacy!! And also cos I'm not a saint. If we made plans, they would get dropped if she phoned needing him to take care of them for a bit or he would disappear round hers for ages to talk, and more than once I got hacked off and upped and went home (we didn't live together for over a year). Or they would just stroll in and out, helping themselves to whatever they fancied. (still do!!)
It was only once I had my own that I understood a bit of what was going through his head. The kids came first and they came with him!
Moving in with him was difficult, the boys saw it as his house, not ours and things only settled in that respect when we had to move and the new house was 'ours'.
I have since told the boys I don't want to be their mother - they already have one, but I'll be their friend if they need me and they know I'll stick up for them too if need be.

Hang in there TS, things will get better in time.

As for brands, I really hope pickle will have a Saturday job in her teens and be buying her own clothes with that. Never hurt me

[Two_Sheds]

The boys used to threaten me with their mum/dad if I told/asked them what to do etc, or they disagreed with me, but I dealt with that by saying 'fine, tell her'. Once they learned I was not scared of either her or their dad they stopped trying to play us all off against each other.

Yes, that's been my strategy from day one.
My head is spinning with confusion over all the things I have heard this last 24 hrs.
- I don't like kids (I have 7 nieces & nephews and love them all)
- I'm weird because I don't have kids (no, I chose to have cancer instead)
- I don't know about kids (I work in a primary school, ffs)
- I'm "hard" because I don't do kisses & cuddles (actually, it's DD who is funny about cuddling ... she went through a year-long stage recently of not cuddling her nan and grandad; at the time she was all over me)
- me and OH have a "weird set up", ie we aren't married
- DD doesn't want us to marry then I won't be her mum (I've already said I will never be, or try to replace, her mum ... funny thing is, she badgered us for months to get married so she would be a bridesmaid)
- I have germs (this is me! a Virgoan, who always asks DD and OH if they've washed their hands "with soap" after the loo)
- I try to take over when DD and OH are together (actually, I back off as much as poss, to leave them maximum time together. I have worked hard to get OH doing the bedtime stories, hair brushing, watching HSM etc, so they have quality time together ... albeit only 6 hrs a week)
- then I hear I don't spend enough time with DD and OH ...

[Two_Sheds]

My head is fried, I'm off to the lotty - last day of freedom before school.

Thanks to you all for the advice & support & PMs ... it is sincerely and gratefully accepted

[zazen999]

Blooming heck chuck; You aren't going to get anywhere are you?

xxx

[Incy]

No win situation springs to mind.
I would however guess that she is simply very confused as the 2 environments are so different but both have people she loves in them so she's trying to work out which is right and which isn't.
Might be worth Mr TS having a chat and explaining to her that different people live in different ways and that it's ok to be happy in both environments.

[Two_Sheds]

Incy, we've done that. She isn't confused at all ... she is in fact very grown up and understands a lot. It's the new husband trying to stir up trouble. I think he grills her for info about me/us and then twists it.

Whereas we hear all kinds of things about their home life, and never discuss them in front of DD.

We have never made judgements in front of her, not even comments or even slight criticisms, ever.

[Hans Mum]

TS go dig your lotty and you'll feel a whole lot better.........

[HeyWayne]

It's clear to all of us sane-minded (ok, maybe not me entirely) people that you definitely have the girl's best interests at heart, and are doing all you can to ensure she has as stable an upbringing as she can, it's just a shame that her ma seemingly isn't reading the same book.

I like to think that all good things work out in the end - karma if you will. Unfortunately, karma doesn't always work in a timely fashion, but it does seem to get there in the end.

Just keep doing what you are doing - the little girl will be a grown up one day and i'm confident that when it counts, she'll thank you for all you are doing for her, and will have done for her by the time she's old enough to understand.

[SlugLobber]

Aw, shucks, TS, I can't believe this is still going on! Can't add anymore advice, but I hope a visit to the lottie helps. They sound like truly awful people and I'm sorry that you have to share your lives with them.

[Incy]

Incy, we've done that. She isn't confused at all ... she is in fact very grown up and understands a lot. It's the new husband trying to stir up trouble. I think he grills her for info about me/us and then twists it.

Whereas we hear all kinds of things about their home life, and never discuss them in front of DD.

We have never made judgements in front of her, not even comments or even slight criticisms, ever.

I thought that would probably be your answer as from the things you post on here it seemed to me that you would have already thought of/ tried that. I only mentioned it just in case, as I know that sometimes when I am very close to a problem I can miss something simple.
Please don't think I was in anyway criticising your handling of the situation as I think quite the opposite.
I can only admire you and the other step parents out there who manage to stay calm and kind throughout these kinds of difficulties.

I am convinced that Mr TS's daughter will grow up loving and appreciating you both for not making things more difficult for her.

In the meantime big hugs and stay strong!

[Pumpkin Becki]

What a difficult situation for you all TS. I'm afraid I can offer you no pearls of wisdom, as we have no children of our own, just support and virtual hugs. It would seem that Little One is under a lot of pressure, and it sounds to me as if you are doing all you can to make the time she spends with you and her father as enjoyable as possible whilst still giving her boundaries. That is so important, and she will appreciate it when she's older.

PBxx