Christmas jokes

[Nicos]

To cook a turkey

This recipe is perfect for those people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED Turkey 6-7 lb. Turkey 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the turkey is done.

[Nicos]

And for those with young children...

How to Bake a Cake with a Baby in the House

* Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
* Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
* Grease pan, crack nuts.
* Measure two cups flour;
* Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
* Remeasure flour.
* Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
* Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
* Get another bowl.
* Answer doorbell.
* Return to kitchen.
* Remove baby's hands from bowl.
* Wash baby.
* Answer phone.
* Return.
* Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
* Look for baby.
* Grease another pan.
* Answer telephone.
* Return to kitchen and find baby.
* Remove baby's hands from bowl.
* Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
* Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
* Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
* Call baker.
* Lie down.

[HayleyB]

Oh dear *wipes tear from eye

Love 'em

[Nicos]

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.

What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.

[Nicos]

No blondes on here are there???

Blondes Getting Christmas Tree

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm
chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

[Nicos]

..and they get worse.....

Snort Sniff Honk Snort

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighbourhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

[bubblewrap]

No blondes on here are there???

Blondes Getting Christmas Tree

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm
chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

What I want to know is why do blonds dye their roots black?

[Nicos]

Good to have someone to share the flak with BW!!!

Come on..you must know some good festive jokes/tales???

[tootles]

A Feastive Tale.

Many years ago, when technology was new and interesting, my parents decided to cook their turkey in their shiny new microwave........................

Things really do explode in them you know!!!!

[Nicos]

...a few more...

Knock KnockWho's there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger... !



Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Donut.
Donut who?
Donut open 'til Christmas!




Knock KnockWho's there ?
Holly
Holly who ?
Holly-days are here again !

[Nicos]

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She'd go to a "re-tail" shop and buy a new one!

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your bed...you'll soon drop off!

What did one Angel say to the other ?
Halo there !

Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my sledge?'
'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist.'
'Well, can you give me a toe?'

I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the toy factory.'Have you passed?' I asked.
Father Christmas pointed proudly to the front of the sleigh. 'See for yourself!' he called proudly. 'No-el plates!'

[Nicos]

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a mobile phone?
"We're talking in the air..."


Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said .
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.

"101 Cures for Indegestion"
by Ivor Pain

"Sledging for Beginners"
by I.C. Bottom

"Guessing your Presents"
by P King

"The Art of Kissing"
by Miss L Toe


Q: In the Middle Ages, what did most people get for Christmas?
A: The plague!

[HeyWayne]

My all time favourite Christmas joke:

Darth Vader: Luke, I know what your getting for Christmas.

Luke: How do you know?

Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

[terrier]

Apologies if this has been posted on here before but it didn't come up in a search.


IS THERE A FATHER CHRISTMAS

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about. .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

[jacob marley]

Father Christmas get a letter from jimmy brown with a request for a baby brother .
Father Christmas wrote back please send your mother...

............................................jacob.......................