Grow Your Own Magazine

and their best jokes anyone?

Morecambe and Wise.

Jokes - too many to mention.

valmarg

Mike Harding.


BRING ON THE ROSY-CHEEKED GIRLS

Bring on the rosy-cheeked girls
The smiling ones, the light-footed dancers,
Those that sing with their eyes,
Those with the warm breasts and soft hands,
Those that look deep in the eyes,
Not at the garbage of garb.
Bring on the dark, the fair, the brown as a berry,
Bring them all on with their wet laughing mouths,
The fat, the thin, the short, and the lanky,
But let them be filled of life as a pod with peas,
Let them feel as company comfortable as an old friendly jacket,
young or old,
And most of all . . . let them be merry.

And then take all the others,
All the tight-lipped, crab-faced, mewling, mithering,
Niggardly, sour-faced, crab-mouthed,
Cold-titted, tight-arced, moaning,
Sullen, frozen-legs-together,
Money-grubbing bitches, and
Take them and heap them together
On some blear and dreary moor
In the howling sleet
And moaning drizzle of November. . . and leave them there,
For it deserves them And they each other.

Then bring on the lads,
The smiling lads,
The open-handed, shoulder-to-the-wheel lads,
Lame dogs helped over stiles lads,
Take a pint, stand a corner lads,
Good laughing lads,
Lads with a quart of life in their hands
And eyes that look straight . . .
Bring on the tall, the short, the long,
The runners, the walkers,
Those that can hammer, those that can turn out a song
Bring on the fat, the thin, the bald and the hairy,
Young or old,
So long as they sup life by the gallon . . .
So long as they're merry.

Then take all the others,
The sly-eyed, twisty-mouthed grabbers and fumblers,
The shifty-faced, two-tongued, leadswinging lizards,
The snotty-nosed, mardy-arsed bullies
And false friends . . .
And stick them up to their necks
In the foulest stink-pot of an old bog
You can find . . . head down . ..
And leave them there.

But for God's sake not too near
That moor with all the old whores . . .
If they meet up and breed
We're all buggered.

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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

Saw Mike Harding in Derby in 1982/ish. Rubbish!!!!

valmarg

Cant remember any specific jokes but Lee Evans makes me laugh soooo much I get stomach cramps. His jokes that envole his wife are always funny.

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Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!

Jimmy Cricket makes me laugh!

Heres HIS own all time favourite:-

Three builders--English, Scottish and Irish, are all working at the top of a high rise building. They have their lunch break and start to eat their sandwiches. the Englishman says "Ham again! I'm sick of ham. If I have ham again tomorrow I'll throw myself of this building"
The Scotsman say's " Spam again! I'm sick of spam. If I have spam again tomorrow I'll throw myself off this building"
The Irishman say "Jam again! I'm sick of jam. If I have jam again tomorrow I'll throw myself off this building"

The next day comes and predictably they all have the same sandwiches and throw themselves off the building. At the joint funerals`their widows are consoling each other and the English widow says " I can't understand my
George, if he had said anything I would have
changed his sandwiches" The Scottish widow says " I cant understand Andrew, if he had said anything I would have changed his sandwiches" And the Irish widow says "I can't understand my Patrick. He used to make his own sandwiches!!!"

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My Majesty made for him a garden anew in order
to present to him vegetables and all beautiful flowers.- Offerings of Thutmose III to Amon-Ra (1500 BCE)

Thanks for that Bubblewrap.

I find Rory Bremner funny. He's got all those charlatans who pass for politicians off to the inch.

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From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.

I should have to say, for sheer 'staying power' its got to be Ken Dodd. Hilariously funny, not an 'f-word' in hearing distance, and by golly you get value got money!!!

valmarg

Yes I love Norman Wisdoms act too.....unfortunatly Norman does it better than Lee.

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My phone has more Processing power than the Computers NASA used to fake the Moon Landings

Dave Allen and more recently Alan Carr and off course the great Mr Peter Kay!!!

My Fav at the moment is that pair of Scottish Fools Blair and Brown.....

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My phone has more Processing power than the Computers NASA used to fake the Moon Landings

Mitchell & Webb for me

YouTube - Green Clarinet - That Mitchell and Webb Look

Cracks me up every time!! I am quite immature though!

coming from Cornwall it just has to be Jethro (my dad does a brilliant impression)

favourite joke: don't want to be banned from the vine for too many profanities in a single post.

As a teenager I can remember standing outside the Fourburrows pub in Grampound Road whilst Jethro was doing his turn, every half hour one of our parents would turn up with bag of crisps or bottle of coke, we would be laughing along with them inside but when an oldie turned up we would act all innocent

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Kernow rag nevra http://www.cornishnotenglish.com/

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
Albert Einstein

Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water and when your'e tired go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand
Bruce Lee

I agree Alison C...there was one night, me and my friend were watching his DVD and we couldn't speak for laughing/crying! very very funny indeed! Our OHs couldn't understand what we were laughing about! I guess it's just that sense of humour he has!

I also like Peter Kaye...Phoenix Nights is fab!

This made me LOL Nog! Although Brown does quite well as a solo act!

Eddie Izzard and Peter Kay for me

I love Peter Kay ,Dave Allen , Morecombe and Wise , and Billy Connelly .

I 've found some super Dave Allen stuff on Youtube recently - I'd forgotten how clever and funny he was !!

margo

In my early days it was Al Read, then later on Tony Hancock ,Blaster Bates ,Jim Davidson,and nowadays Billy connelly and Peter Kay.
As for the jokes all of them jacob

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What lies behind us,And what lies before us,Are tiny matters compared to what lies Within us ...
Ralph Waide Emmerson

Eddie Izzard, Jack Dee, Victoria Wood, Paul Whitehouse.

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All at once I hear your voice
And time just slips away
Bonnie Rait

I got to see Peter Kay at Bolton Albert Halls on video a few years ago - very funny guy. He is very good.

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http://junctionvillage.blogspot.com/

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
- Mark Twain

Billy Connolly and Victoria Wood. Don't watch much telly so not up on the latest lot of comics.

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Happy Gardening,
Shirley

http://www.honeyjukes.co.uk

Some of teh new ones are very good, but for me no-one has yet come close to Tommy Cooper or Frankie Howard.

A few ywaers ago i went to see Jasper Carrot at Bedworth Civic Hall Victoria Wood was the support act but she was billed as Vitoria Wood when did the name change jacob

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What lies behind us,And what lies before us,Are tiny matters compared to what lies Within us ...
Ralph Waide Emmerson

We adore Eddie Izzard ('control P print, control P print...'), when we first watched Dress To Kill, we had to pause so many times to allow my OH to regain his composure!

I was brought up on Tony Hancock on vinyl accompanying sunday lunch.

And Eric Morcambe was so amazing. One of my favourites is the Spick Sparkle sketch (Oh who's got girls in every port, hanging around like flies, yo ho ho ho ho ho! The sailor with the navy blue eyes. Two, three, four...)