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Just have to rant to someone about this, it's driving me mad!!

My SIL is pregnant and due in March (unplanned pregnancy, she is 17)...
SIL and her partner are really poor and spend a lot of their (benefits) money on fags and booze. She doesn't work because she doesn't want to, and her partner works in FIL's pub. They live above the pub with FIL.

For Christmas we've got her and her partner some Mothercare vouchers (plus some chocolates and little stuff).

When OH's dad asked what we had got her for Christmas and we told him, he said we were mean, and that we should be buying things for SIL, not the baby.

Our gift is well intentioned, as we know they can't afford things like a pram, cot, baby clothes etc, so we figured that they would need help. Plus, since both of them are smokers and drinkers (yep, even though she is pregnant) we know they would spend cash on that.

Are we being mean? Should we have bought SIL something else, or given cash, rather than something they can keep for when the baby comes?

Also, we've found out (through another family member) that SIL and her partner (who live with FIL) are moving to Bradford, as SIL's partner is originally from there. Apparantly he is homesick and is going back there. He has issued the ultimatum that if she wants a father for the child, she has to go to Bradford too. Not only is SIL going, but FIL is looking at finding a pub to run in Bradford (instead of the one he runs in Preston) so he can follow SIL, as "he doesn't want to leave SIL alone with Mike (not his real name)"

Honestly, no wonder Mr OWG was keen to move to the countryside!!

Phew, OK, rant over. I feel better now that's off my chest...

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"Its not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" - Bruce Wayne

HI OWG, sorry to hear about your family troubles but don't let it spoil your Christmas. Your present sounds lovely & thoughtful & a good idea in view of their circumstances. I think it's probably a good idea also that your FIL is thinking of moving to be near them as it doesn't sound like a very stable relationship, just hope it works out for the sake of the baby!

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Into every life a little rain must fall.

wow you've got your plate full!
i think your gift is the best you can do in the circumstances.
she may not appriciate it now but with any luck will understand your loving intentions.
having the baby full time in bradford and away from her familly might be just what she needs to help her grow up a bit.
the only thing you can do is be supportive of any decitions she makes and let her know that you love her even if she makes bad choices.
i bet the other grandparents think its ok to buy them fags, in return for friendship, they really shouldnt be making you feel bad or guilty, thats irrisponsible and suggests they think there is a competion for affection.
i think you made a great choice as her farther, not her pal, you are giving her what she needs which isnt nessasarily what she wants, you wouldnt have given her coke in her bottle when she was small, or let her put het hand in the fire so why do they expect you to start being a bad parent now?
good luck.

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Yo an' Bob
Walk lightly on the earth
take only what you need
give all you can
and your produce will be bountifull

I think you have done the right thing with the vouchers, they are going to need this more than they know. They may not appreciated it now but they will!

If you have bought a little gift for her she still gets someyhing to open. Can you not suggest going baby shopping and making a day of it with her? Maybe lunch etc

Good luck and have a peaceful Christmas.

Mandy

Not sure about the shopping day, as we're not the best of friends (due to me telling her how stupid she was to get pregnant on purpose at 17 when she has no qualifications, job or money - didn't go down too well, as you can imagine)
But I've offered to go round and show her how to "make" babyfood, and to help her source baby stuff from Freecycle, which I've said I will pick up and deliver as they don't have a car and a visit to a 2nd hand baby-shop near us.

Mostly I've tried to keep my nose out, as it upsets Mr OWG to think of his sister in such a situation and to see how his whole family are behaving with regards to the pregnancy...

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"Its not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" - Bruce Wayne

I am not surprised it did not go down well, maybe in a few years when she grows up she will come to appreciate everything you do for her.

Don't let it get you down, these things are sent to try us but we seem to manage just the same.

Mandy

Sorry to hear of the probs OWG, I'd say your prezzie and actions are those of someone not only sensible (and looking to the future to provide them with the best possible help), but also of someone who cares, unfortunately some folks dont wanbt to take responsibility for their actions and would much rather have everything for themself now, then play the 'I'm poor and havent anything for the baby' card later so they can further sponge of the state and friends / family.

Your actions were the right ones, and I'm afraid if they cant see it I'd be tempted to let them alone, after all, they made the bed, so why not let them lie in it!

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Blessings
Suzanne (aka Mrs Dobby)

'Garden naked - get some colour in your cheeks'!

The Dobby's Pumpkin Patch - a blogspot work in progress!
Last updated 26th November2008 - more new piccies!

I'm sorry to hear this has happenend OWG. I too think that you have made the right decision in the circumstances and hopefully things will smooth over with time. As for the other actions that are being taken (FIL etc.) it is best to let things be but be prepared to support in the future if it is needed.

You are sending out loving intentions, these will be returned to you in due course.

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Bright Blessings
Earthbabe
If at first you don't succeed, open a bottle of wine.

There is a saying (which I believe to be very true!) "you can choose your friends but not your family". Even so, you have to help them don't you, even if you don't agree with what they are doing? I think your presents and offers of help are lovely OWG. Don't let it spoil your Christmas. Dexterdog

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Appreciate the little things in life because one day you will realise they are the big things

OWG what a wonderful gift!!

I would have been delighted with those vouchers years back when I was expecting no 1 son!! We had little money as OH was a student and any cash we were given soon vanished on bills and food - vouchers would have been welcomed as there is no way to divert them from the purpose intended.

WELL DONE YOU and hope it all goes well for them despite a ropey-sounding start

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Happy Gardening,
Shirley

http://www.honeyjukes.co.uk

Hi, OWG! Don't let it get you down, mate. I still remember when my OH had our middle son (now 21) and a friend gave her lots of vouchers - Boots, Mothercare etc, and it was fantastic. All the other stuff she got was much appreciated, but the vouchers were great because we could get exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it. Mean! No way! It was meaner to complain about it. Keep up the good work.

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Zebedee
"Raised to a state of heavenly lunacy where I just can't be touched!"

In an ideal world it would be lovely for you to just buy SIL something to pamper herself if the latter stages of pregnancy when she's feeling big and uncomfortable but as they're so short of cash and have nothing for the baby sorting those things becomes priority. What you are doing seems thoughtful and shows that you have thought about what she really needs (not just done a hit and run on a perfume shop) and by buying her some bit for herself also you've bot a nice balance. She's lucky to have some level headed family looking out for her as she probably has no idea of what is going to hit her soon!

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Some of us live in the past, always talking about back then. Some of us live in the future, always planning what we are going to do. And, then there are those, who neither look behind or ahead, but just enjoy the moment of right now.

Which one are you and is it how you want to be?

I always thought it was

" you can pick your nose but not your family"

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ntg

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic

http://grief-encounters.blogspot.com/

I think the thought is wonderful. If only everyone was so considerate and caring.In years to come I am sure she will recognise the same. Some take longer to mature than others.
Good on you!!

A lovely thought - Ignore what your FIL says.. They will be much appreiciated - and needed!

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How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”

Sorry to hear of your troubles, as has been said, we can't choose our families (unfortunately).
I think from what you've said that you've done a wonderful thing, especially as you've also bought some little things for SIL as well as vouchers.
I'm intrigued about the FIL saying you are mean - his agenda is obviously different, particularly as he is apparently going to move home with the 'happy' couple (I wonder if he feels responsible as this has taken place under his roof?)

Please don't take the flack. You have made a rational and very kind decision which will be very useful to SIL - she could get maternity clothes for herself from Mothercare!
Are you spending much time with them at Christmas? I hope you will be able to peacfully enjoy your own home and not allow such comments to spoil your happiness.

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Regards, Jane
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? The creative adult is the child who has survived.
Ursula LeGuin
http://www.etribes.com/madderbat

I agree with everything that's been said so far (well, almost everything). SIL IS only 17 and sounds like she has expectations which are unrealistic in real life. SIL's OH sounds like he's trying to escape from the situation. FIL sounds very protective, and the fact that he is planning to move to Bradford too, suggests a sense of responsibility (and possibly guilt?) which unfortunately tends to perpetuate unrealistic expectations. You have taken the correct route in offering and providing both practical gifts and something nice and personal.

Good on you. That's what Christmas is all about. Parents in these sorts of situations are often quick to criticise, particularly if you have thought of something before thay have!! Do you think he might be lonely or trying to hang on to a bit of the family that he may still be able to exert some control over?

All the best for Christmas.

Big Fiona

has she put in for the maternety grant from sure start get the form from the jobcenter sf100 i think it is you get £500 more that enough for a good pram and cot
as for the f.i.l wel .....
all the best merry christmas

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PRESTON NORTH END
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add me to your friends list if you got what it takes

Yo dinky doo! good to hear that you are still alive and kicking! All the best to you and your family for christmas! Hope the new baby is coming along just fine and dandy! Dexterdog

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Appreciate the little things in life because one day you will realise they are the big things