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MEMO. : TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Effective Immediately
DRESS CODE
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a
Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not
need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay
raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a pay raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
HOLIDAY DAYS
Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year of holidays. They are
called Sunday.
COMPASSIONATE LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
employee involvement attend the arrangements. In rare cases where the
employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
TOILET USE
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minutes limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of the three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company's
notice board under the 'chronic offenders' category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's
mental health policy.
LUNCH BREAK
1. Skinny employees get 30 minutes break for lunch, as they need to eat more
so that they will look healthy.
2,. Normal size employees get 15 minutes break for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby employees get 5 minutes break for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a 'slim-fast.'
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are an employer
of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.
MEMO. : TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Effective Immediately
DRESS CODE
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a
Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not
need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay
raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a pay raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
HOLIDAY DAYS
Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year of holidays. They are
called Sunday.
COMPASSIONATE LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
employee involvement attend the arrangements. In rare cases where the
employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
TOILET USE
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minutes limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of the three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company's
notice board under the 'chronic offenders' category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's
mental health policy.
LUNCH BREAK
1. Skinny employees get 30 minutes break for lunch, as they need to eat more
so that they will look healthy.
2,. Normal size employees get 15 minutes break for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby employees get 5 minutes break for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a 'slim-fast.'
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are an employer
of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.
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