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Chilli - Very Funny

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  • Chilli - Very Funny

    Sent to me by a friend in the states who does like very very hot chilli

    Chili Cook Off

    If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
    judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
    how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time
    Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
    the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster
    named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
    to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
    other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
    spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
    tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    *****************************************************


    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.


    Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.


    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    *****************************************************

    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...


    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.


    Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.


    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.

    *****************************************************


    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.


    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.


    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all
    of the beer.

    *****************************************************


    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.


    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    or other mild foods not much of a chili.


    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
    unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
    beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
    is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
    chili an aphrodisiac?

    *****************************************************


    CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding consid erable kick. Very impressive.


    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
    I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
    lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    screaming. & nbsp;

    *****************************************************


    CHILI # 6 - VERONICA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    sp ices and peppers.


    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.


    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
    worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
    behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
    my rearend with a snow cone.

    *****************************************************


    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.


    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
    worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing uncontrollably.


    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen
    anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
    my stomach.

    *****************************************************


    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too b
    old but spicy enough to declare its existence.


    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    reacted to really hot chili?


    Judge # 3 - No Report
    Hayley B

    John Wayne's daughter, Marisa Wayne, will be competing with my Other Half, in the Macmillan 4x4 Challenge (in its 10th year) in March 2011, all sponsorship money goes to Macmillan Cancer Support, please sponsor them at http://www.justgiving.com/Mac4x4TeamDuke'

    An Egg is for breakfast, a chook is for life

  • #2
    Lol! Very good, had me a giggling!!
    Blessings
    Suzanne (aka Mrs Dobby)

    'Garden naked - get some colour in your cheeks'!

    The Dobby's Pumpkin Patch - an Allotment & Beekeeping blogspot!
    Last updated 16th April - Video intro to our very messy allotment!
    Dobby's Dog's - a Doggy Blog of pics n posts - RIP Bella gone but never forgotten xx
    On Dark Ravens Wing - a pagan blog of musings and experiences

    Comment


    • #3
      Nice one Hayley - I'll stick to the milder ones lol!
      All the best - Glutton 4 Punishment
      Freelance shrub butcher and weed removal operative.

      Comment


      • #4
        Cheers for that Hayley still chuckling
        Never test the depth of the water with both feet

        The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory....

        Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

        Comment


        • #5
          i laughed so much! well tried to muffle it as most of my housemates are in bed but as i sit here with muffled giggles my other housemate and her boyfriend are giving me funny looks!

          Comment

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