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  • Another challenge.

    The new year brings something else for me to deal with.
    Not looking for sympathy, however I think I'd feel better if I put it on paper.

    I have been married twice and I was married for 25 years for the first time. Not a bad man but so very possesive and such a control freak that in the end I had to walk away from that marriage. Two nervous breakdowns were enough. The third would have seen me put away for good. I am sure of that.
    I could not have coped with any more. I did find out later on that mental violence is the same as physical violence....but that does not matter after all these years.

    When I divorced him, we parted on reasonably good terms. A few years after the divorce he had a stroke and ended up in a Nursing Home many miles away from where I live and his sons had to deal with looking after him.
    In the last few years his health has got steadily worse and much as I have had sometimes one or sometimes 3 phone calls from him in a day because he was getting forgetful, I have not had any cause to be cross with him because I understand taht the stroke damaged his brain as well.
    He is now very seriously ill and, of course, I have been visiting him as often as I can. The drive is often 3 hours there and 3 hours back (traffic dependent)
    I don't mind doing that because we did have 25 years together and it was not always bad. There was the occassional good day.... and I don't hold any grudges anyway.

    All I can say is that I am totally exhausted, punch drunk with tiredness because of the driving and also because of seeing him in the condition he is in, it is not nice to see at all...and all the mental issues I am going thur again. Even though i tell myself that the past is the past, I can't sleep for all the wierd dreams I am having. It's like my brain is on overdrive.

    I just keep hoping that he is at a point in his life where he has forgotten the past and that he is only living for the 'now' and that he has some sort of peace. He cannot say anything any more, not much anyway, that makes any sense.
    Just that right now, I feel like I'm going thru every emotion I have known and more. Hurting for him and wanting his pain to end.
    I am also struggling with my 80 year old Ma to make her understand that he will not get better ubt for some reason she is fixated on the fact that if he eats he will live. I wonder if she is blanking out an end of life situation form her head because she finds it hard to go there.

    Guess I will never know but have took her to see him so she can say good buy, took my niece to see him so she can say good-bye.

    Not that I want anyone to, but I feel as if whatever I feel, I have to deal with it myself and there is no-one else to sound off to. That's when I thought that I'd post this here just to give me a chance to put it on paper and off-load a bit.

    Hope I have not bored anyone by rambling on.

    Guess I just need a virtual hug or two.
    ‘you cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore'

  • #2
    ((hugs))...as many as you need.

    I have a similar history, but never found the strength to visit him in hospital, or even go to the funeral.
    I valued my own peace of mind too much to want to stir up all the old emotions.
    Well done for getting this far, but there is no obligation on you to stay around til the bitter end if it will make you unwell.
    Best wishes and good health - whatever you decide is best for you.

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    • #3
      Oh dear, what a messy situation It is going to be tough for you, for all sorts of reasons, but hopefully soon you can spend some time thinking about yourself, and untangling your head a bit xx (((((hugs)))))

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      • #4
        I didn't want to read and run but wanted to say I hope that by writing everything down its made you feel a bit easier. xx
        Location....East Midlands.

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        • #5
          Thanks Thelma. Going by gut instinct with everything I am doing right now, just wish I could somehow stop the brain from spinning so much though.. I know I will be fine and feel that I am being tested again for strength and courage. )
          Hugs received with thanks. :-)
          ‘you cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore'

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          • #6
            Sarah and Bren, many thanks to you both as well.
            Yes, writing it down always helps.
            And, yes, I know thsi is not a problem, just something I have to handle and move on. I can't walk away right now and I know that I will see it to it's end.
            I guess no-one of us knows what to expect next anyway so why do I think that I can somehow see into the future. :-)
            ‘you cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore'

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            • #7
              Oh Shobhna I do feel for you. While it is going on, you really have no option but to grit your teeth and get on with it as best you can. But try and look after yourself as much as you can - make things easy on yourself if you have the option. It is all too easy to neglect yourself and you only realise later how much toll it has all taken. So talk to your GP if you need to, treat yourself to things that make you feel good, and accept help from friends and family if they offer it.
              Whooops - now what are the dogs getting up to?

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              • #8
                I wanted to add a virtual {{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}}}} too.

                He is very fortunate to have such a caring person - whether you were married or not - to visit him and I know if I was in his situation, I would hope I had a friend like you.

                I'm glad there are still people like you in this world!

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                • #9
                  What a wonderful person you are.
                  It must be very hard for you to see him like that.

                  Big hugs from me to both of you and your mum

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                  • #10
                    He's very fortunate that you are so loyal shobhna. Sending (((((hugs))))) to you.
                    Granny on the Game in Sheffield

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                    • #11
                      My heart goes out to you (((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))

                      As the others have said, don't neglect yourself. Please see your GP and maybe get a mild sedative to help you totally switch off at night. I'm sure a good night's rest, escaping the cerebral overload, will help you feel better able to deal with everything life throws at you. If you don't put yourself first, occasionally, then you won't be able to help your ex and your mum.

                      Maybe the weird dreams are caused by the total role reversal between yourself and your first husband; ironically, he is now totally helpless and you are completely in control of your own life for the first time in a very long time. It may not feel like it, but you are still in control, even if life is extremely challenging at present. After living with a control freak for most of your life, it will be hard to realise that you can stand on your own two feet but you can.

                      I know it will be hard, but maybe you shouldn't go so often to visit your former husband? It is deceitful I know, but when he phones and asks you to visit, say you have just been and possibly limit yourself to just two visits a week. We ended up having to do that when my grandmother had dementia, or we were at the care home every day even though she had no idea we had been there the day before, or would be back the next day. The hardest bit is dealing with the guilt.

                      Jules
                      Jules

                      Coffee. Garden. Coffee. Does a good morning need anything else?

                      ♥ Nutter in a Million & Royal Nutter by Appointment to HRH VC ♥

                      Althoughts - The New Blog (updated with bridges)

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                      • #12
                        Lots of (((hugs))) from me too. I can only echo what others have said about not forgetting to look after yourself as well. Take care.
                        I was feeling part of the scenery
                        I walked right out of the machinery
                        My heart going boom boom boom
                        "Hey" he said "Grab your things
                        I've come to take you home."

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                        • #13
                          What I would say has already been said by others .......look after yourself , please don't make yourself ill with all the travelling and stress . Sometimes you need to find the off button for a while . Big hugs xx
                          S*d the housework I have a lottie to dig
                          a batch of jam is always an act of creation ..Christine Ferber

                          You can't beat a bit of garden porn

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                          • #14
                            virtual hugs
                            your brain is on overtime because you're just saying goodbye to him by remembering stuff about your time together.

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                            • #15
                              As many hugs as you need from me too. Just because the 'in love' has gone, or you just couldn't stay in that relationship, doesn't mean the love and caring for goes...can't start to imagine how you must be feeling. Make sure and pamper yourself with lovely things when you can...I've taken to mid day bubble baths...for some reason the guilt of indulging in a bath when you 'should' be doing other stuff makes it that much more decadent and therefore makes you feel just a little bit special. Take Care. xxx
                              the fates lead him who will;him who won't they drag.

                              Happiness is not having what you want,but wanting what you have.xx

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