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  • US Election cancelled

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
    (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
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    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' with out skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
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    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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    7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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    8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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    9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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    10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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    11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Annie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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    12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
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    13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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    14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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    15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
    ---------------
    16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
    God Save the Queen.
    aka
    Suzie

  • #2
    Excellent!~Now that's what makes The Grapevine more than just a gardening forum!
    the fates lead him who will;him who won't they drag.

    Happiness is not having what you want,but wanting what you have.xx

    Comment


    • #3
      Truly brilliant Piskie

      I am off to email it to friends in the States...
      Happy Gardening,
      Shirley

      Comment


      • #4
        Loved that Piskie "pinched" and passed on, cheers.
        A garden is a lovesome thing, God wot! (Thomas Edward Brown)

        Comment


        • #5
          Excellent! Brightened up my morning.

          I think that 200 miles is a long way, and I can't understand people who think that 200 years is a long time!
          K's Garden blog the story of the creation of our garden

          Comment


          • #6
            Only one quick point I think its Andie rather than Annie!?. For my sins I watched Baseball last night as I was awake and it was on, and for the record I did not understand any of the rules.

            I mistakenly thought it was like rounders, but they only throw the ball three times whereas the Americans can seem to miss throw it at least 6 or 7 times. They would clearly be no good at cricket, they couldn't hit the stumps, if they can't throw the ball into a area 2ft square.

            How on earth that game is scored I have no idea, and how come some play 8 innings whereas other play 10 or 11?? It seemed like American football to me where they have lengthened the game to allow adverts, rather than to the benefit of the game. What's wrong with old fashioned breaks called lunch and tea!!!
            I'm only here cos I got on the wrong bus.

            Comment


            • #7
              I love it - thanks piskie.

              I've seen it before as a letter from John Cleese, but it still makes me smile - thanks pisk.

              A simple dude trying to grow veg. http://haywayne.blogspot.com/

              BLOG UPDATED! http://haywayne.blogspot.com/2012/01...ar-demand.html 30/01/2012

              Practise makes us a little better, it doesn't make us perfect.


              What would Vedder do?

              Comment


              • #8
                "I mistakenly thought it was like rounders, but they only throw the ball three times whereas the Americans can seem to miss throw it at least 6 or 7 times"

                The batter and the pitcher have 3 "misses" each I think - so that would make a max of 6 or 7 if both goof up. (Its call Strategy I think. <yawn>)

                When my daughter plays rounders there are no "free" balls. A single good pitch and you have to run (hit or not) and if the bowler makes two bad bowls (pitches?) that's a half-rounder conceded (dunno if that is the normal rule).

                Only exception is if there is only one batter left, they get to choose best-of-three balls to "take" - but they've then got to run all the way round to get another go ...

                "How on earth that game is scored I have no idea"

                If you get round you score. If you are on, say, 2nd base and the batter hits a "home run" then you score too - so a Home Run with "Bases loaded" brings everyone home. Dunno if you get more points for a home run itself.

                Anyway, its utterly pointless as the OP pointed out, and I only know about it from sitting in a bar in USA when everyone at the bar was watching Baseball on the bar-TV and making the, what I thought was a straightforward, observation "What a pointless game".

                The guy sitting next to me turned out to be the coach of some hot-shot local team, and took the trouble to explain all the ins-and-outs to me. That helped, but I still didn't see the "point", and the "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine" didn't do anything to help either.

                I believe that once a pitcher comes off they cannot go back on. So the coach can have a pitcher who is only good for one throw, wait for the batsman he will excel pitching against to be "in" and then deploy his one-hot-shot pitcher. The previous pitcher is then out of action. The bloke explaining it to me said how this made for exciting strategy. Sorry, just got to stifle another yawn
                K's Garden blog the story of the creation of our garden

                Comment


                • #9
                  Well i thought it was very funny so I excitedly called my American mate who is staying with me to read it and she was not amused!!! She seems to have taken great insult which surprised me as she hates American Foreign policy so I thought she would like this. You never can tell. I will make her some donuts later!!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Ok, so now I am even more confused, I did notice them using different pitchers, I just figured it was like cricket and you get so many innings with each pitcher, and how you use them is the strategy!?. Why can't the americans multitask, in rubgy we have a player who can catch, kick, and run with the ball, and tackle and defend. In American football the kicker, just spends his whole game practising being able to kick, what like he'd forget how to? They do have some very strange games, but then I guess they would say the same of lacrosse, or real tennis.
                    I'm only here cos I got on the wrong bus.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      oops - please send my apologises to your American friend louly I have 'mercan pals who thought it really funny and it was met with 'yer yer in your dreams English girl' as you say, you can never tell - humour is like marmite......
                      aka
                      Suzie

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I'll accept everything except numbers 14 and 15. Deal?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          They've been taking the mick out of us Brits for years - our wonky teeth, pasty skin etc.

                          Us Brits are also famous for our ability to laugh at ourselves.

                          Why do you think Austin Powers was so successful?
                          A simple dude trying to grow veg. http://haywayne.blogspot.com/

                          BLOG UPDATED! http://haywayne.blogspot.com/2012/01...ar-demand.html 30/01/2012

                          Practise makes us a little better, it doesn't make us perfect.


                          What would Vedder do?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by piskieinboots View Post
                            humour is like marmite......
                            I think its more like a language, we all have the ability to understand it, but some never grasp it.

                            I hate marmite by the way.
                            I'm only here cos I got on the wrong bus.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              2nd go.

                              I last read this several years ago and at that time it was Utah that the Queen didn't like.

                              Still makes me laugh. I'm amazed at how many of them have no idea that there is a world outside their borders.

                              Baseball is rounders, and we don't play their nancy version , and we play in Junior School onwards (usually the ones who are useless at every other game).

                              AND, Susie, the common name for them is "Merkins".

                              Says it all really
                              "I prefer rogues to imbeciles as they sometimes take a rest" (Alexander Dumas)
                              "It is neccessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live" (also Alexandre Dumas)
                              Oxfordshire

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