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Wishing you all a very pc christmas :O

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  • Wishing you all a very pc christmas :O

    Have just recieved these directives and felt I ought to pass them on instantly

    Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

    The Rocking Song
    Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
    We will lend a coat of fur,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

    Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

    Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


    Jingle Bells
    Dashing through the snow
    In a one horse open sleigh
    O'er the fields we go
    Laughing all the way

    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. However laughter is excellent for Wellbeing.


    While Shepherds Watched
    While shepherds watched
    Their flocks by night
    All seated on the ground
    The angel of the Lord came down
    And glory shone around

    The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided: therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
    Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

    Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw him,
    you would even say it glows.

    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


    Little Donkey
    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
    Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

    The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry: also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

    We Three Kings
    We three kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star

    While the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps to give a gift voucher.
    We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destination, and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.


    Away in a Manger
    Away in a manger
    No crib for a bed

    Social services??????? Please report to Student Welfare.
    The river Trent is lovely, I know because I have walked on it for 18 years.
    Brian Clough

  • #2
    Keep up!!!

    http://www.growfruitandveg.co.uk/gra...ety_41972.html

    Comment


    • #3
      On a similar note, please see email I received earlier today (couple of words omitted/altered as this is a family forum)...



      OM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

      TO: All Employees

      DATE: 4th DECEMBER
      RE: Christmas Party

      I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 24th, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

      And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

      Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

      This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

      Merry Christmas to you and your Family

      Patricia
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

      TO: All Employees

      DATE: 5th December
      RE: Holiday Party

      In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our ' Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

      Happy now?

      Happy Holidays to you and your family,

      Patricia .

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      FROM; Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

      TO: All Employees

      DATE : 6th December

      RE: Holiday Party

      Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

      Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

      NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

      Patricia .

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

      TO: All Employees

      DATE: 7th December

      RE: Holiday Party

      What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

      Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

      Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

      To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

      We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

      Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!


      Patricia .
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
      TO: All F***** G Employees

      DATE: 8 December

      RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

      Vegetarian punks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.

      You'll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.

      They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

      Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

      The Witch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

      DATE: 12th December

      RE: Patricia Harris and Holiday Party

      I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patricia a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

      In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 24th December off with full pay.
      A simple dude trying to grow veg. http://haywayne.blogspot.com/

      BLOG UPDATED! http://haywayne.blogspot.com/2012/01...ar-demand.html 30/01/2012

      Practise makes us a little better, it doesn't make us perfect.


      What would Vedder do?

      Comment


      • #4
        I am being a bit norty and having a sneaky peak on the vine whilst at work, I know, bad girl and all that. People are looking at me strangly as I keep giggling at you guys posts, stop it! stop it now or at least put a health warning like NSFW or something please.....too funny

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        • #5
          I did have the giggles myself at the one with the donkey, but that's no excuse for peeping while at work, you know the punishment for being norty....Yes, The Norty Step...go on, straight to the step, no arguing.

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          • #6
            Brilliant you guys!!! I'm reading at these at home alone, so can chuckle away to my heart's content.

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            • #7
              Sorry to be ignorant but what is NFSW?
              Whooops - now what are the dogs getting up to?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Jeanied View Post
                Sorry to be ignorant but what is NFSW?
                NSFW - Not Safe For Work
                A simple dude trying to grow veg. http://haywayne.blogspot.com/

                BLOG UPDATED! http://haywayne.blogspot.com/2012/01...ar-demand.html 30/01/2012

                Practise makes us a little better, it doesn't make us perfect.


                What would Vedder do?

                Comment

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