Grow Your Own Magazine

I'm being silly about it because it turned out to be nothing but I'm badly in need of cheering up!

__________________
http://thankyouforthedays.blogspot.com/

In the woods there grew a tree
And a fine fine tree was he

What's brown, and sticky?












A stick


Chin up babe, a few deep breaths - breathe in for 7, out for 11 - slows your heart-rate down

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Sarah

“Tell me one last thing,” said Harry. “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”
“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

Hi Seahorse,

Are you ok? Sorry I don't have a joke but I am sending you a big hug

Mandy x

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No mater when time you set out, you always get there at the same time

Silly poem if that would brighten your day...... :-)

Spider, spider on the wall
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the wall's been plastered?
Now you're stuck, you silly b*****d!

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Live for something or die for nothing

Poor old thing - here ya go....


PRIORITIES

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'
'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK,

but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can:

your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'


The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on,

'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000
compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have

the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just

as well as your old one, better in fact.


But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'
The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)

'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.

I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine Willy now,

she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you
decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed.

So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife


The doctor comes back the next day.
'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' says the chap.
'And has she helped you to make the decision?'
'Yes, she has' he says.
'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.






'We're having a new kitchen.'

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Resistance is fertile

Thanks folks I have nearly stopped shaking now and have managed a little groan at the dreadful jokes

__________________
http://thankyouforthedays.blogspot.com/

In the woods there grew a tree
And a fine fine tree was he

What's a fsh?

A fish with no I's.

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?

An egg.

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

Teacher: Billy, why have you not given me your homework?
Billy: I made it into a paper aeroplane and someone hijacked it.

Q. Why where the Indians the first people in America?
A. They had reservations.

Feeling better?

__________________
A simple dude trying to grow veg.

http://haywayne.blogspot.com/ - Tuscany update - 27th September

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/p/dev036pr___.png

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on
your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

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Big silver bird, come land low and slow
Cut your engines, cool your wings,
You've taken me home...

www.honeyjukes.co.uk

two fish in a tank and one says to the other...






anyone know how to drive this thing?


what do you give to a poorly lemon?











lemon-ade


oh how I chuckled when my 46 yr old partner fell about telling me these the other night :-)

Poor you, hope this makes you feel better soon Seahorse.

(apologies to anyone I might offend, it wasn't meant)

God appears to a man and says he'll have to quit fags, drink and sex if he wants to go to heaven. A week later, God reappears and asks him how it's going. The man says "the fags and drink were easy to give up but when my wife bent over to take meat out of the freezer I couldn't resist. I just had to do it there and then."

God says, "they don't like that sort of thing in heaven", the mans replies, "they don't like it much in Tesco's either...."

Gill

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We are each of us, a multitude... within us is a little universe... Dr Carl Sagan

i used that one at french lessons last night .....
i'm slowly running out of excuses ....
anyone got any more homework excuses??

it's so funny when you actually use the jokes
i was on the phone to a friend quite late last night - sent her a text lunchtime telling her i was late for work this morning and asked what a potato clock was and she called me and of course she was wetting herself when i told her the punchline (get a potato clock and i should be there for 9)
so thanks to whoever posted that one!

Hope you're feeling a bit better Seahorse.
Here's a few more bad jokes to cheer you up!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,

they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

/////




Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

////

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband,

'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!'

He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'

////



Wife gets naked & asks hubby,

'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'

**************************************************

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Into every life a little rain must fall.

No joke, but ...........

A bug hug

Take care!

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~
Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.
~ Mary Kay Ash

Hope you are OK !!!!!!!!!!


An Essexgirl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
"Cor blimey", exclaims the Essexgirl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

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" If it tastes like chicken THEN EAT CHICKEN " :- Kermit The Frog


http://mohicans-allotment.blogspot.com/

Calm down, Seahorse, by doing something 'normal' like being in the Vine.

Can anyone spot anything wrong with the above statement...?

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Hazel
www.hazelandjanesallotment.blogspot.com
update Sat 04/10/2008......sorry, Keats......

inverted commas?

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Imagination is everything, it is a preview of what is to become.

Oh dear, sorry bout your scare - hope you are over it now.

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Happy Gardening,
Shirley

http://www.honeyjukes.co.uk

Thanks all, you're a lovely bunch

__________________
http://thankyouforthedays.blogspot.com/

In the woods there grew a tree
And a fine fine tree was he

*sniffles* aww shucks, I ain't never been called a bunch before. *shuffles awkwardly*

Glad you're feeling betterer.

__________________
A simple dude trying to grow veg.

http://haywayne.blogspot.com/ - Tuscany update - 27th September

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/p/dev036pr___.png

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so funda