New Joke Thread - Please Post Jokes in Here

[Shortie]

Hi everyone

I've created a lovely sparkly new Jokes thread for everyone to post into. Please could you post yours in here so that we can have a collection in one place. That way we all know exactly where to come to cheer ourselves up on the dreary days when we need humour

I've Stickied it to make it easy to find

Ta muchly
Shortie

[Flummery]

My squash plants. They're a joke! Roll on the warm, sunny weather.

[HeyWayne]

Sorry Shortie - posted a pun earlier, should've put it here. I'll know for next time - which, let's face it, won't be far away...

[yoanbob]

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like
grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and
keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd want to have dinner with.

[Two_Sheds]

"Doctor, I've got a steering wheel down my pants ... it's driving me nuts"

[jacob marley]

it has been determined that the most used position for nookie is the doggie position the fella sits up and begs, the lady rolls over and plays dead

[Shortie]

Originally Posted by HeyWayne

Sorry Shortie - posted a pun earlier, should've put it here. I'll know for next time - which, let's face it, won't be far away...

Yes, smacked botty HW

Naaaaahhhh not really, I started this thread after your joke earlier

[dinky_doo]

Originally Posted by jacob marley

it has been determined that the most used position for nookie is the doggie position the fella sits up and begs, the lady rolls over and plays dead

thats a good one

[Rowan]

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him at weekends.

[percy charlie]

Originally Posted by Two_Sheds

"Doctor, I've got a steering wheel down my pants ... it's driving me nuts"

two sheds youve been watching britians got talant it was on there the other day.

[HeyWayne]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?


Matt

[HeyWayne]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?


Bob

[HeyWayne]

What do you call a woman with one leg?


Eileen

[percy charlie]

hope this isnt too naughty i dont want to get banned apologies now if it is not clean enough, if its not i promise not to add any more jokes mods.

Irish daughter says to her mum my hans are freezing, mum replies put them between your legs to warm the up.
Irish daughter is out with boyfriend next day hes says my hands are freezing she says put the between my legs to warm them up.
A little while later the boyfriend says my penis is freezing.
Next day the daughter says to her mum have you heard of a penis, the mother replies yes, the daughter says they make a terrible mess when they defrost dont they?

ps i am part irish, its where my green fingered side comes from. oh asked me to post this as he thought the mens on here would like it.

[HeyWayne]

Something topical:

What is invisable and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

[HeyWayne]

Ok, last one for today, promise:

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

[lzyjo]

Oh goody! Now I have jokes to use against my husband. Before i read this post this was the only joke I knew:

There's Chinese man, a Japanese man, and a Polish guy playing cards. During the game the Chinese man holds his hand up to his face and acts as though he is talking on the telephone with his thumb and pinkie out. The two other guys say "what are you doing?" and the Chinese man replies, "I have a microphone implanted my pinkie and a speaker implanted in my thumb."
So they continue to play and suddenly the Japanese man begins talk to someone. And the other two guys ask him what he's doing and he replies, "I have microchips implanted in my mouth and in my ear, so I can talk on the phone."
A little while later, without explanation, the Polish guy gets ups and leaves. The two Asian guys go after him to see what's wrong and they find him outside with his pants down, shoving paper up his butt. They ask him what he's doing and he replies,
"I'm sending a fax."

As you can see I was in desperate need of jokes!

[HeyWayne]

Originally Posted by lzyjo

As you can see I was in desperate need of jokes!

Allow me...

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

[tootles]

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot??

a carrot!!

dull and clean but it still makes me chuckle.....
Tx

[TRAFALGAR]

Young girl with a slight speech impediment visits the doctor with a chest infection.
Telling her to take here top and bra off he places the stethescope on her chest.
"Big breaths" he asks
"Yeath, and I'm only thixteen"!

[everdream78]

Two drunks stumbling along the road to the next pub when one finds a mirror. He picks it up and peers in, turns to his mate and says, "I know that face but I can't put a name to it".

The other guy snatches it off him and peers in himself and says, "you muppet, it's me!"

*gets coat*

[jemus]

Lets hope this is not too rude

a man walks into the doctors and finds a very young nun sitting at reception. she says name. he says Higgins, she says Trouble he says yep. she says no whats the trouble, i have to wri