Grow Your Own Magazine

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct



It's Raining, It's Pouring.

Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming



Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties

He can't keep his heart rate down

And she's got diabetes



Mary had a little skirt

with splits right up the sides

and everywhere that Mary went

the boys could see her thighs

Mary had another skirt

'twas split right up the front

...But she didn't wear that one often



Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead

Now it goes to school with her

between two chunks of bread



Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

'What have u got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon

Pies you d!ckhead



Mary had a little lamb

it ran into a pylon

10,000 volts went up its @rse

and turned its wool to nylon



Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

kissed the girls and made them cry

When the boys came out to play

he kissed them too cause he was gay



Jack and Jill

went up the hill

to have a little fun

Jill, the dill

forgot her pill

and now they have a son



Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing

Jack made a pass

and grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing



Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy

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I'd rather regret the things i've done than regret not doing them at all.

I expect this one will get moderated.

Little miss Muffit sat on a tuffet.
Her knickers all tattered and torn
It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her
But little Boy Blue with the horn.

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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields