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Hi Guys,
Those that know me will know I am always one to try and help other folks out, but I now find myself in a bit of a pickle with my daughter. Due to circumstance that I wont go into here, my ex-partner and I split when my daughter was only 6 months old, and I was put in a situation where I was denied access to her, my ex didnt want me to see her, and in order to keep the peace I agreed to keep away until such time that my daughter wanted to see me.
I was assessed by CSA to pay £258 a month (over 1/4 of my monthly wage at the time), which didnt take into account my mortgage, and despite protests it was nevert changed, so when my boiler broke I lived without heat or hot water for 6 months (boiling pans of water to bathe), and eventually had my home repossessed as I couldnt afford to pay the mortgate. Life was fairly hard, and not seeing my daughter even harder, but with time I met Lee, got a few small pay rises at work and things got easier financially.
At age 13 my daughter decided she wanted to meet me, and after a heartfelt reunion we spent every other weekend together and had lots of fun days out, but a couple of years later as she approached 16 she decided she would rather go out with her friends than come to stay, so we left the door open and told her to have fun, we would be here for her when she needed us.
The past 2 years the only time she has been in touch is to ask when we would be bringing her birthday and xmas prezzies around, neither me nor Lee has even had a happy birthday message on FB from her.
When she turned 16 we talked with her about what she wanted when she left school, she said she wanted to go to college to do child minding, which was fine by us, but in order to make sure she was making the right chouce we made her an offer that if she decided instead to go into employment (Lee had her a job lined up with Tescos), then as her CSA would stop we would pay her £200 a month for the first 2 years, she decided she would rather go to college, so the CSA continued, and she went back to herfriends, only seeing us at birthdays and xmas.
Last september she was chucked out of college (in her 2nd year) for failing to attend, and as she turned 18 in February I was concerned that the CSA payments that we were still making were a possible overpayment, (that my ex partner and daughter would then have to pay back), so I ocntacted CSA and logged the details.
In August this year I got a letter from CSA saying I had another 12 months of payments to make, even tho she was now over 18 and not in full time education, so I queeried it and was told that they had made a mistake, the payments should have stopped in Feb when she turned 18, so we have overpayed by £1500.
Whilst paying CSA we have been struggling, we've no savings, we've ended up with 3 maxed out credit cards and have been living in the overdraft pretty much permanently for the past few years (we have enough income for the basics, but nothing left over for emergencies, so had to use credit cards to pay for things occassionally), our one light at the end of the tunnel being that when we finished paying CSA we would have that £258 a month extra to be able to pay off all the debts, which would still take us a couple of years to do.
We dont go out drinking or for meals, rarely buy ourselves anything, go camping for our hols, rarely treat ourselves, have a fire thats broken in the front room that needs fixing, our suit has had it (the bottom has gone in 2 places), yet we manage to get by on a weekly basis.
In August my daughter moved out of her home (aged 18) and in with her 26 yr old boyfriend, into his flat, she asked for no help, even tho we offerred to drive over and help her move, but she didnt want to know.
At the beginning of September the CSA payments stopped, and since then all I have had is FB messages saying I dont care about her, that I wasnt there for her, that she is depressed, where is her £200 a month now that CSA has stopped, and can I give her a £1000 for a bond so she can get a house with her boyfriend.
I have explained our financial situation, that until the overdraft is paid off we dont have any spare money, that I dont have £1000 lying around to give her, but all she does is twist my messages and make attempts to try and hurt me.
Am I such a bad person? Is it wrong that I should be trying now (after 18 years and a total of almost £57K payments made to her / my ex - which I know was used by them for nights out and a much higher standard of living than we have enjoyed) to get ourselves back on an even finaincial footing, or am I being selfish? Should I try and get a loan to give her the £1000, knowing that if I do she will be back again in 12 months for another handout?
I feel totally distraught that she seems to want to hurt me at every opportunity, I wanted to be there for her, but wasnt able to be, I was told by my ex that I wasnt ot have access, and out of respect for them both agreed to those terms, fool that I may have been, but now all I seem to be to my daughter is a cash cow, someone she can milk and milk and milk. My ex signed over the CSA payments to her in August when she left home, so my daughter was expecting a years worth of £258 a month to come to her, yet she is no longer entitled to it.
Anyone got any advice, anything I can do to try and calm the situation down and resolve the financial issues?
I am already stressed out with work, this is coming close to sending me over the edge,
Those that know me will know I am always one to try and help other folks out, but I now find myself in a bit of a pickle with my daughter. Due to circumstance that I wont go into here, my ex-partner and I split when my daughter was only 6 months old, and I was put in a situation where I was denied access to her, my ex didnt want me to see her, and in order to keep the peace I agreed to keep away until such time that my daughter wanted to see me.
I was assessed by CSA to pay £258 a month (over 1/4 of my monthly wage at the time), which didnt take into account my mortgage, and despite protests it was nevert changed, so when my boiler broke I lived without heat or hot water for 6 months (boiling pans of water to bathe), and eventually had my home repossessed as I couldnt afford to pay the mortgate. Life was fairly hard, and not seeing my daughter even harder, but with time I met Lee, got a few small pay rises at work and things got easier financially.
At age 13 my daughter decided she wanted to meet me, and after a heartfelt reunion we spent every other weekend together and had lots of fun days out, but a couple of years later as she approached 16 she decided she would rather go out with her friends than come to stay, so we left the door open and told her to have fun, we would be here for her when she needed us.
The past 2 years the only time she has been in touch is to ask when we would be bringing her birthday and xmas prezzies around, neither me nor Lee has even had a happy birthday message on FB from her.
When she turned 16 we talked with her about what she wanted when she left school, she said she wanted to go to college to do child minding, which was fine by us, but in order to make sure she was making the right chouce we made her an offer that if she decided instead to go into employment (Lee had her a job lined up with Tescos), then as her CSA would stop we would pay her £200 a month for the first 2 years, she decided she would rather go to college, so the CSA continued, and she went back to herfriends, only seeing us at birthdays and xmas.
Last september she was chucked out of college (in her 2nd year) for failing to attend, and as she turned 18 in February I was concerned that the CSA payments that we were still making were a possible overpayment, (that my ex partner and daughter would then have to pay back), so I ocntacted CSA and logged the details.
In August this year I got a letter from CSA saying I had another 12 months of payments to make, even tho she was now over 18 and not in full time education, so I queeried it and was told that they had made a mistake, the payments should have stopped in Feb when she turned 18, so we have overpayed by £1500.
Whilst paying CSA we have been struggling, we've no savings, we've ended up with 3 maxed out credit cards and have been living in the overdraft pretty much permanently for the past few years (we have enough income for the basics, but nothing left over for emergencies, so had to use credit cards to pay for things occassionally), our one light at the end of the tunnel being that when we finished paying CSA we would have that £258 a month extra to be able to pay off all the debts, which would still take us a couple of years to do.
We dont go out drinking or for meals, rarely buy ourselves anything, go camping for our hols, rarely treat ourselves, have a fire thats broken in the front room that needs fixing, our suit has had it (the bottom has gone in 2 places), yet we manage to get by on a weekly basis.
In August my daughter moved out of her home (aged 18) and in with her 26 yr old boyfriend, into his flat, she asked for no help, even tho we offerred to drive over and help her move, but she didnt want to know.
At the beginning of September the CSA payments stopped, and since then all I have had is FB messages saying I dont care about her, that I wasnt there for her, that she is depressed, where is her £200 a month now that CSA has stopped, and can I give her a £1000 for a bond so she can get a house with her boyfriend.
I have explained our financial situation, that until the overdraft is paid off we dont have any spare money, that I dont have £1000 lying around to give her, but all she does is twist my messages and make attempts to try and hurt me.
Am I such a bad person? Is it wrong that I should be trying now (after 18 years and a total of almost £57K payments made to her / my ex - which I know was used by them for nights out and a much higher standard of living than we have enjoyed) to get ourselves back on an even finaincial footing, or am I being selfish? Should I try and get a loan to give her the £1000, knowing that if I do she will be back again in 12 months for another handout?
I feel totally distraught that she seems to want to hurt me at every opportunity, I wanted to be there for her, but wasnt able to be, I was told by my ex that I wasnt ot have access, and out of respect for them both agreed to those terms, fool that I may have been, but now all I seem to be to my daughter is a cash cow, someone she can milk and milk and milk. My ex signed over the CSA payments to her in August when she left home, so my daughter was expecting a years worth of £258 a month to come to her, yet she is no longer entitled to it.
Anyone got any advice, anything I can do to try and calm the situation down and resolve the financial issues?
I am already stressed out with work, this is coming close to sending me over the edge,
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