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Christmas Elf & Safety!

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  • Christmas Elf & Safety!

    This made me chuckle




    Just a few important Christmas elf and safety matters ...



    The Rocking Song

    Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
    We will lend a coat of fur,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

    Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
    allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice
    cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a
    suitable alternative.

    Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau
    check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
    Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be
    prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


    Jingle Bells

    Dashing through the snow
    In a one horse open sleigh
    O'er the fields we go
    Laughing all the way

    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe
    for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also
    consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,
    particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note,
    permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To
    avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request
    that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise
    nuisance.

    While Shepherds Watched

    While shepherds watched
    Their flocks by night
    All seated on the ground
    The angel of the Lord came down
    And glory shone around

    The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety
    regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
    seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and
    orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due
    to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should
    watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd
    observation huts.
    Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her
    glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued
    with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and
    Glory.


    Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw him,
    you would even say it glows.

    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
    inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
    any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer
    from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
    action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full
    investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
    full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


    Little Donkey

    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
    Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

    The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that
    a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
    guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
    rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that
    due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph
    are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne
    particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little
    and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment
    upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his
    equine rights.


    We Three Kings

    We three kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star

    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
    redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc,
    gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential
    risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift
    alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s
    name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
    We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in
    order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or
    satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice
    regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA
    for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require
    regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also
    advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

    Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - Social services???????
    AKA Angie

  • #2
    Fab! I just sent it to my boss
    WPC F Hobbit, Shire police

    Comment


    • #3
      LMAO That's brilliant!

      Comment


      • #4
        PMSL How very apt for this ridiculously PC age we live in
        S*d the housework I have a lottie to dig
        a batch of jam is always an act of creation ..Christine Ferber

        You can't beat a bit of garden porn

        Comment


        • #5
          Whatever sect or creed we may belong to a sense of humour must be paramount. Without that all endeavours to unify will be wasted.

          Comment


          • #6
            Love it. My Health & Safety Manager is in for a treat tomorrow! Thanks very much.
            Granny on the Game in Sheffield

            Comment


            • #7
              Brill!!!
              "Nicos, Queen of Gooooogle" and... GYO's own Miss Marple

              Location....Normandy France

              Comment


              • #8
                Wicked!
                Bernie aka DDL

                Appreciate the little things in life because one day you will realise they are the big things

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by FionaH View Post
                  Fab! I just sent it to my boss
                  How can I send this to someone who isnt on the vine?
                  Bernie aka DDL

                  Appreciate the little things in life because one day you will realise they are the big things

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by dexterdoglancashire View Post
                    How can I send this to someone who isnt on the vine?
                    cut and paste it into an email.....in fact I'm emailing it to you now........hold on!
                    Last edited by zazen999; 09-12-2009, 08:59 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Great one, selfraising - it has winged its way to colleagues as we speak!
                      Whooops - now what are the dogs getting up to?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Brill! I'm copying and pasting that to my sisters.
                        Kirsty b xx

                        Comment

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