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| General chitchat Got something non-GYO related to get off your chest? Feel free to talk about anything you like! (Keep it clean) |
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25-10-2006, 11:57 PM
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 I have a great one... I LOVE this joke  A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks: The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage. He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Unamused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.! Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of the bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?" The other lion says "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees" Isn't it great.... Groan.....      |
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26-10-2006, 02:16 PM
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| Nice one Slug. Not really a joke, this was told to me as a true story but I think it's an urban myth:- A sales rep. is sent on an intensive course in a hotel & decides to take his wife with him to keep him company & so that she can do some shopping in the 'big city' while he's on the course. On the evening that they are leaving he's exhausted & so his wife offers to drive home as it means driving a long distance at night. They set off in the drizzle & with the wipers going & the heater on the husband soon dozes off & sleeps all the way home. On arriving home he wakes up & asks his wife how the drive was & she says 'fine, but it was really stormy & there were lots of lightning flashes so I just speeded up a bit to get home out of it.' Next week he gets a summons & £300 speeding fines in the post! (Lightning-speed cameras-get it?)
__________________ Into every life a little rain must fall. |
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26-10-2006, 03:08 PM
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| Well Ive just read this again its suppose to be a true story VANILLA PUDDING ROBBERY Once inside the bank the robbers were surprised not to see 2 large safes full of money and jewells instead there were hundreds of smaller safesthroughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe and found a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the banks audio tape one robber said "At least we 'll have a bit to eat" The robbers opened the second safe and it also contained vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were open.They didnt find one pound diamond or ounce of gold only covered bowls of vanilla pudding. Dissapointed the robbers made a quiet exit each leaving with nothing more than a queasy uncomfortably full stomach. The next morning the headline read IRELANDS LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED Sorry a bit yucky but funny |
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26-10-2006, 03:21 PM
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| I know Im sorry!! |
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26-10-2006, 10:03 PM
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| UG that should come with a warning not to read immediately after eating. At least it was pizza and not rice pudding!
__________________ Bright Blessings Earthbabe If at first you don't succeed, open a bottle of wine. |
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02-12-2006, 11:34 PM
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| Mary had a little lamb She tied it to a plyon 10 thousand volts shot up its bum And turned its wool to nylon! Thats the only clean joke I have heard this week!
__________________ Geordie  Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure |
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03-12-2006, 12:03 AM
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| Twenty Dollars On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
__________________ ntg Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic http://grief-encounters.blogspot.com/ ================================================== The All New Home page of Hartshill Allotments full of useful bits http://www.hags.btik.com |
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12-12-2006, 08:33 PM
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| The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown! SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples in the bowl SAFEST Can I get you a glass of wine ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
__________________ Et tū, quis es?  |
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12-12-2006, 10:18 PM
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| A Northern Joke 50 Degrees: Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens 30 Degrees: Southerners cars wont start. Geordies drive with their windows down 10 Degrees: Southerners turn up the heating. Geordies go swimming in N orth Sea ZERO: Southerners head for warmer climates. Geordies have a last barbecue before it gets cold MINUS 10: Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket MINUS 100: Santa Clause abandons the North Pole.Geordies put on a coat MINUS 173: Alcohol freezes. Geordies complain that the pubs are shut MINUS 297: Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows in Northumberland complain of vets' cold hands MINUS 460: All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to blow on their hands MINUS 500: Hell freezes over. Sunderland qualify for europe
__________________ Geordie Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure |
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12-12-2006, 10:35 PM
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| Cheeky Sod Geordie! Cheshire is north of Birmingham, which means it is definitely not darn saarf!
__________________ Blessings Suzanne (aka Mrs Dobby) 'Garden naked - get some colour in your cheeks'! The Dobby's Pumpkin Patch - a blogspot work in progress! Last updated 5th November2008 - new piccies! |
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12-12-2006, 10:38 PM
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| Gates of Heaven at Xmas 3 blokes at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says that in order to come they must find a Christmas theme out of what is in there pockets. 1st bloke goes into his pockets and pulls out a lighter and says it represents a candle. Very good St. Peter says in you go. 2nd bloke checks his pocket and finds some keys, jangling them he says there you go St. Peter the keys represent bells. Very good he says in you go. 3rd bloke checks his pockets looking for something and pulls out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter cries what in Gods name have they got to do with Christmas............wait for it. The bloke replies there carols. |
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12-12-2006, 10:40 PM
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| Groan!!!
__________________ Blessings Suzanne (aka Mrs Dobby) 'Garden naked - get some colour in your cheeks'! The Dobby's Pumpkin Patch - a blogspot work in progress! Last updated 5th November2008 - new piccies! |
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12-12-2006, 10:41 PM
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| No its not Midlands Geordie! Midlands is Brum, Staffs, Warwickshire and all that sort of area! Dont you go calling us southeners!! lol!  Not that I have anything against southeners, she says hastily!
__________________ Blessings Suzanne (aka Mrs Dobby) 'Garden naked - get some colour in your cheeks'! The Dobby's Pumpkin Patch - a blogspot work in progress! Last updated 5th November2008 - new piccies! Last edited by Mrs Dobby; 12-12-2006 at 10:54 PM. Reason: Oops! |