New Joke Thread - Please Post Jokes in Here

[HeyWayne]

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that
he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to
see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the chuff up and listen to the
whole story before you interrupt!

[HeyWayne]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information about your credit and debt with your loved ones in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[HeyWayne]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[HeyWayne]

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.

Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.

Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down and back to front"

[Hashette]

Not so much a joke just a funny happening in conversation with a neighbour. We live in a village which has a few, er, well-known characters, one of whom has upset a lot of people big-time and is best avoided. Let's call him Mr Stir.

We're thinking of keeping chickens for the first time, our neighbour already does, so we popped round for some advice. She was telling us about a very sad occasion when a fox got in and killed all of her chooks overnight. It was a horrible, really upsetting story. She then said "and Mr Stir too". Slight misunderstanding - "What, the b*stard killed all of your hens?????" Er, no, she meant a fox got his hens too

[chuffa]

I woke up this morning to find the cat dead in the washing machine.
I am guttered, but at least it died in comfort.

[chuffa]

I married way too young, I like Chinese birds.

[chuffa]

A man went into an Opticians with a shoe box and said to the optician, "look at this i need your help". The Optician opened the box and there was a big poo in it the same length as the box and 3" thick. The Optician replied, "You poor poor man, its not an optician you need to see, its a Doctor". The man replied, "Its definatley an Optician i need to see, because it dint half make me chuffin eyes water".

[Rhona]

I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. I mean, she's so irritating, can't she find someone else to do it for her?

[HeyWayne]

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

[HeyWayne]

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"

"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"

The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

[Mikeywills]

I had a letter through the post yesterday, and its still on the mat. When I went to pick it up, I read on the front of it, please do not bend!.

[bubblewrap]

CAPITALISM!

[sandspider]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag
on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot
high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls
out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into
the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano stool, which he places in
front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful
piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out
a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it, and you'll be granted one wish. All I ask is a drink in exchange"

So the bartender gets the man his drink, rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
a beautiful genie is standing before him. "What is your wish?"

Without hesitating the bartender says, "I want a million bucks!" A few seconds later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!


The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a
little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it" says the man - "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Boom boom!

[sandspider]

Oh, and a shorter (but very good) one:

What's E.T. short for?














Keep going down...


















Because he's got little legs!

[shirlthegirl43]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:

'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green...........lime,'
'Orange........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polo's. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
'Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!!'

(Joke courtesy of a friend of Madmax's - any complaints about the language should be addressed to him.)

[HeyWayne]

made me chuckle.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

[kirsty b]

My sis emailed me this one. Its a little bit naughty but I thought I was going to rupture something....

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just

imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many

Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.


The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is

called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are

married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant

answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal

questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with

(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same

three questions correctly, they both win the prize.


One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City

drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if

you win. What is your name? First only please.'


Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question 2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8 o'clock this

morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us

for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'




Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's

work number and call her up.

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch

tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and

I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'


DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to

give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules

of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest.'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If

your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to

the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Alright.. When did you last have s*x, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'


DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his

manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away

from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'



Sarah: 'Well...'



DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?



Sarah: 'Up the a***.....'



They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have

a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an

unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this

conversation, for minor traffic collisions.