New Joke Thread - Please Post Jokes in Here

[Finedon.Dandy]

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Crisps -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(and you thought?)

On packaging for an iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On a packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands"
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Finedon.Dandy]

Subject: COSMETIC SURGERY



A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death Experience

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40
years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"





(You'll love this!!!)











God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

[Finedon.Dandy]

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[Finedon.Dandy]

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line . . .

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better.

Tesco Condoms - every little helps.

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca! Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop..

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper.

Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide.

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain?

Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin.

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - it's dry and waterproof in 30minutes.

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim ! ! !

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service.

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of a animal.

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole.

[Finedon.Dandy]

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise
lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT GOING!

[Finedon.Dandy]

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat, but it was

dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her
pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child

innocently.

"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it

didn't move."





2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five
minutes

later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, you had your chance before Lights out."

Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY.

Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank
you!!"

Five minutes later......

"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
water?"





3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief,

finally asked him "How do you expect to get into
Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in
and out and in and

out

and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For
Heaven's sake,

Dylan,

come in or stay out!'"





4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was

tucking her

son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his

voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I
can't dear," she

said.

"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was
broken at last

by his

shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."





5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the

children's

sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little

girl was

wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor

leaned

over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on microphone,

"Yes

and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."





6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three year

old

came into the room when I was just getting ready to get
into the

shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I
replied, "Yes, honey,

remember

Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she
replied, "but

what's

growing in your butt?"





7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two

plus

five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a

bitch is

nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and
gasped, "What are

you

doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom."

"And

this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked.

"Yes," he

answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the
next day, "What

are

you teaching my son in math?" The teacher
replied, "Right now, we are

learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you
teaching them to

say two

plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the
teacher stopped

laughing,

she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH,

is

four."





8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken

Little

to her class. She came to the part of the story where
Chicken Little

tried

to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little
went up to the

farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is
falling! The teacher

paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that farmer said?"


One

little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
said: 'Holy Shit! A

talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.







9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would
reply, "I'm Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was
wrong, she must

say,

"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday
School, and

said,

"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I
thought I was,

but

mother says I'm not."





10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside
and play with the

boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the
boys, they're

too

rough." The little girl thought about it for a few
moments and asked,

"If I

can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"





11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father she stands

next to

the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake.


The

barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get
hair on your

Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."

[Cloud]

A Hyena and a Lion are in a bar drinking.After several pints the Hyena says "Best be off home now.Do you think Mr Lion you could walk me as every time I walk home I get attacked by the local Monkeys"
The Lion thought about it for a second and said "Yeah why not"
Well on the way home the Hyena was ambushed by the Monkeys and the Lion ran up the nearest tree.
The Monkeys beat the hell out of the Hyena and ran away leaving him for dead.
The Lion came down from the tree and went over to the Hyena and the Hyena said to the Lion "Mate why didn't you come and help me" with which the Lion replied
"You were laughing so much I thought you were enjoying yourself!"

[HeyWayne]

Amusing things said in the garden centre. Proof that gardeners are filthy buggers!

1) Have you anything pink that grows to about 9"

2) Wife to husband "I'm not letting you put it in because it always shrivels up"

3) "When you rub your fingers against it, it smells terrible - I know it's all over my hand."

4) "We tried it in the shade and up against the fence and still it wouldn't grow big enough"

5) "You know the spot love, the spot by the back passage"

6) "He tried Miracle Grow but it didn't make any difference"

7) "Have you anything that grows to about 9" that would go in a wet place?"

8) "It gets so dry we can't do a thing"

9) When does this come, summer or winter?"

10) We tried it in the front and then in the back it seemed better when we had on the patio.

11) Will you be having it again?

12) Can you take my telephone number and then ring me when you get it in.

13)How often do you get it in?

13a)Will you let me know when you get it in?

13b) Will you let me know when it comes?

14) My husband said he would like a bigger one.

15) My next-door neighbour liked it so much, when it got big enough my husband poked it through the fence into next doors garden. They were ever so grateful.

16) We look at it all the time, it gives me so much pleasure. I would like another one like it. Can you find one for me?

17) He sprays all the plants with it every week.

18) How deep should we put it for the best results?

19) Do I have to do anything special to make it grow?

20) We were told that it was hardy but it shrivelled during the winter.

21) I moved it to a different position and it's much better now.

22) Do you remember me? I'm the lady that told you my husband wasn't any good in the garden. We now have a gardener and he will do anything for us. He's forking the roses today.

23) I just don't have the energy anymore; I just leave the gardener to do it on his own.

24) He said he wanted it in the greenhouse but I said we'd have it in the conservatory.

25) Is it better in the shade or full sun?

26) I'm looking for something to fill my wet area.

27) Have you got Gunnarea?

28) Have you got anything to stop the wind?

29) How long will it take to grow big enough to eat?

30) If I put it all in will it be better?

30a) I've been told the further you put it in the better it is.

31) I must go home now and do something dirty before I go back to work.

32) I want a big stiff hard one (brush)

33) We can't do it now it's the wrong time of the month.

34) I want my hole filled before the frost comes.

35) My husband works away and I want him to put it in before he goes.

36) We had it in the corner but it just went floppy on us.

37) We had it last year and I didn't like it so we are not trying it again.

38) My son tried to do it for me but he couldn't manage it.

39) My first husband tried it, now I'll see if my second can manage it without falling of the ladder.

40) It lasted all summer and then it fell off.

41) Do you get hold o!f them often?

42) I wish we could find one as good as the one we had when we got married.

43) If I decided I wanted it would you put it in for me?

44) We only have it on the wall facing west.

45) My mother said to be careful I might get a rash.

46) Does it grow any bigger than 6?

47) I'm not very good; my wife says she needs a gardener to do it.

48) We are better at it now we are retired and have more time.

49) My wife prefers it on the side of the bed facing east.

50) What are those dangly bits for?

51) I felt better after it had been in a while.

52) It turned red in the autumn.

53) I think it prefers full sun.

54) Would my pussy like catmint?

55) Is it the wrong time of the month for putting it in?

56) It lasts longer if you freeze it.

57) Do you wipe the bottom first?

58) The more I pull it the bigger it gets.

59) As my husband pulls it out the more it grows.

60) I always feel better when I've been in the garden.

61) How clean should it be before I put it in?

62) Should we try it in the greenhouse?

63) I need a man to do it for me.

64) How long do the batteries last? more than an hour I hope.

65) We have moved into a flat now because we were always at it when we had a garden.

66) We come here for advice from someone with experience on how to do it.

67) Is it true if I put it in deeper it will avoid wilting?

68) I have a dry area, what do you think I should do to make keep it wet.

69) It feels like heaven now, I can spend all day in there and she doesn't mind at all.

70) How do I keep them fresh when I go on holiday?

71) My husband tries to keep the squirrels from eating his nuts off the table.

72) Have you fat balls?

73) How often do you get your nuts in?

74) He puts his nuts out every day for the passing birds.

75) He tries to give it to the birds every week.

76) We have it in the greenhouse in winter.

77) It starts to grow around Easter time.

78) It was very small for the first year and now we can't cope with it.

79) It took a long time to grow but it was worth it in the end.

80) We were told it would grow in the spring and we are still waiting.

81) My wife says she can't wait much longer.

82) She said she wanted a big one so I gave her mine.

83) It was pink and now it's turned blue.

84) We had it on the bench in the greenhouse first and then tried it in the hall.

85) Have you any books on propagation?

86) Alan Titchmarsh says you should visit your local garden centre to learn how to do it.

87) Do you give a guarantee on everything?

88) Do I need batteries for it?

89) How long should it last?

90) We put it in last night.

91) Do think I should tie it to a cane for support?

92) Does the cold weather affect yours?

93) It feels much better when the sun is out.

94) It looks much better when it's out.

95) We want them to have it on their wedding anniversary..

96) If he were still alive he would put it in for me.

97) We tried it in an old wheelbarrow but it didn't last long there.

98) Do you have a slow release?

99) I was told it would be better under the tree.

100) His mother tried it once. You should see the result

[sallyw]

beat those !!!

[HeyWayne]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave, and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied: 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,

'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening, and hollered with all his might, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read ...............






You'll like this














NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[HeyWayne]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or Family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in’

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the Boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.’

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your Father was a pharmacist.'

[SueA]

Neighbours now know I'm totally mad! Sitting here by myself with a glass of wine laughing out loud at the 'Garden centre' ones & can't stop now!

[HeyWayne]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in
heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

[nick the grief]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.....

[nomad]

what do you call a fly with no wings?









a walk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


my all time favourite sorry!!!!